{Amy_Jane}

Happy Birthday, Dad...

2011-10-06T17:56:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is supposed to be my dad's 56th birthday...

That's the cruddy sort of thought that A. I can't do anything about; B. Makes everything hurt all over again; C. Reminds me that it always hurts - and it always will, at least to some extent; and, D. Really, really, really sucks. A whole lot.

That being said, I will do my best to celebrate his life tomorrow. We'll meet for happy hour at his favorite bar and go through the motions the way he'd want us to...the semblance of normality and recovery, I guess.

I don't really know what else to say...I just want my daddy.

Mill Inn Bed & Breakfast, Bend Oregon

2011-06-22T22:20:00.002-05:00

On our way to Crater Lake then Eugene, OR via Bend, OR...

We came across the Mill Inn on accident and it's AWESOME!

My nearly finished Daybreak Shawl!

2011-06-10T17:49:00.187-05:00

I mostly finished my Daybreak Shawl this week! I still have ends to weave in and it needs to be blocked, but I was very excited to see what it will look like so, since I sit across from an empty cube and there are T-pins all over, I decided to pin it up at work this afternoon.

I got my co-workers to come over and admire it - they all did a very nice job of at least seeming impressed which I appreciated!

Our fluorescent lighting isn't ideal for photography with a cell phone, but I took several pictures anyway.

I am quite pleased with it - I made some annoying mistakes, but they won't be too obvious when I'm wearing it. Normally, I'd be much more of a perfectionist...but it's my first shawl and first big project with sock yarn...and it's pretty!

The Daybreak pattern is by Stephen West and is available on Ravelry for $6. I was pretty intimidated by the pattern at first, but once I figured out the weird cast-on and started getting into it, it was actually not too difficult.

I used size US 4 32" circular needles, lots of stitch markers, a row counter, and tons of notes.

The black yarn is Cascade Yarns Heritage Sock and the variegated yarn is Malabrigo Sock Yarn in Caribeno - a very lovely navy, teal, purple, bluish blend.
(Have I mentioned that I looooooooooooove Malabrigo anything?)

Both were purchased from the Yarnery on Grand Ave in St Paul, Minnesota (I'm pretty sure that's my favorite yarn shop in the Twin Cities.

You can see more pictures and details on my Ravelry page!

RIP, Lucy: April 29, 1998 – June 3, 2011

2011-06-06T21:01:00.001-05:00

My family’s pug dog Lucy died peacefully around 1:30 AM on Friday, June 3, 2011. She had a good life and was loved very, very much.

My mom and I got Lucy from a home breeder in the summer of 1998. Pugs weren’t especially trendy back then – and the Internet was still a novelty (no Craig’s List or Pet Finder) – so she was a wee hard to find. We went through the classified ads in all the local papers for a few weeks with no luck, but finally found a litter of pugs for sale in St. Paul. We called the owner and she tried to tell us to come that evening because she was running a daycare or something, but I guess we were persistent because an hour later, there we were. There were several puppies – male and female, black and fawn – and since we didn’t have any preferences, we kind of left it up to fate. A fawn-colored girl with a double-curled tail gravitated to us and we knew she was ours.

Driving home, we brainstormed names for her. Anything like “Pugsly” was definitely out of the question. Mom suggested “Sugar” which was also not an option. I said “How about ‘Lucy’?” and that settled it. She was definitely a Lucy.

Lucy fit right in at our house. She was a sweet, cuddly, good-natured little girl, always putting up with the cats’ bullying, my dad’s teasing, and my brother and I playing keep away with her from opposite ends of the stairs. She liked to lie in the sun or in our laps, perfectly poised for belly scratches. At night, she loved to cuddle under the covers with her head on a pillow. Lucy had the typical pug snore, but even at her loudest, her snoring couldn’t compete with my dad’s so we hardly noticed it (I actually found it soothing).

She was instantly a part of our family as well. Lucy went trick or treating, had lots of presents and a full stocking on Christmas morning, and we always remembered to celebrate her birthday. At my college graduation party, she wore maroon and gold bows (and discovered an appetite for cake and beer thanks to my grandpa…) It’s impossible to look at pictures from any holiday or event and not find Lucy in half of them.

Lucy went lots of places with us. She liked cabins up north – as long as she didn’t have to swim. We learned that early on when she ran down the dock…and kept running right off the end. With her front-heavy pug build, she tipped right over with only her curly little tail staying above water. The North Shore and Taylor’s Falls were a bit more her style. She happily jumped around the rocks with us, sticking close by even when her stature forced her to find an alternative route. Lucy also went to Arizona with my parents, but was definitely a Minnesotan at heart, preferring the air condition and cool tiles to the sand and cacti.

As Lucy got older, she got lazier. I’m sure her laziness contributed to her…larger stature (some might say she got fat, but she was very dense and a perfectly fine size for a pug, as far as we were concerned. She was a PUG, after all!), but none of us would try to deny the fact that we were largely to blame. She still loved going for walks, but after a few blocks, she’d simply plant herself on the ground and wait to be picked up and carried like a baby…so we would, of course! Lucy never had to beg for food – we never thought twice about slipping her a piece of bacon or a hot dog or a pancake. My dad was probably the worst when it came to this – they’d lie in front of the TV together for hours – Dad on the couch, Lucy on his belly – and share a box of Cheez-Its. My mom and I did try to put a stop to that at first, but my dad always responded with, “But she likes them!”

Last week, Lucy fell asleep in my mom’s arms and didn’t wake up. I know she felt safe and loved and I hope she was dreaming of sunshine and tummy scratches as she drifted away… maybe she’s with my dad now, somewhere with sunny skies, comfy couches, and bottomless boxes of Cheez-Its.

We will always miss and love our snorting, bug-eyed, curly tailed, chubby little pug. Rest in peace, Lucy.

Too pretty for Monday...

2011-05-09T07:19:00.001-05:00

(from www.bluntcard.com - Too Pretty)

I have to agree with this today - I have a serious case of the Mondays.

The weekend was good. We had dinner/drinks at the always classy Shortstop on Friday night. It's definitely the place to people-watch on a Friday night in the Crapids (well, most nights, really) - no shortage of feathered hair, mullets, and the people who love them.

On Saturday, there were rabies clinics at a few of the fire stations in the Crapids, including the one about a black away from my house - so we walked up there and got Bailey's vaccinations up-to-date.

It's awesome that they have these clinics every spring - only $8 and no exam fees ("Is your dog healthy? Ok, then just let me flash a light in his eyes and weigh him...that'll be $120 plus $12 for the nail-clipping you requested assuming it was included!") Best of all: no guilt trips about all the OTHER shots and teeth cleanings and whatever that I'd be getting if I REALLY loved my dog.

The clinic was in the middle of the day so we didn't make it to the Shepherd's Harvest Festival till Sunday. I get overwhelmed at those kinds of things so I didn't end up buying anything besides food. Not the worst social dysfunction to have considering the amount of lovely yarn I COULD have bought. We got to see sheep and adorable lambs (only 3 weeks old!), sheep shearing, a working dog demo (herding and shepherding - definitely see the Aussie Shepherd in my little mutt!), poofy angora rabbits, and llamas...Sadly...not one alpaca. :( Rumor has it there were some there Saturday, but alas...I'm sure I'll see plenty at Black Sheep in Oregon!

On the way home, I finally got a bike!
It's cute and olde fashiony looking - with a comfy seat and no wires or gears or whatever to worry about. We got it at Wal Mart which ... blah ... but it was only $89.97! Besides, maybe I won't even like riding a bike - it's been quite a while. May as well start cheap.

Is it the weekend YET??

2011-04-28T09:57:00.058-05:00

I'm excited for this weekend...and it's making for a very long week...

Saturday is Craftstravaganza at the State Fairgrounds in St Paul. Should be pretty rad - and I'm always up for a little crafty shopping.

Sunday is my little cousin Violyt's dance rehearsal for her Big Recital - I have no doubt that she will be absolutely adorable!

Then, next weekend is the Shepherd's Harvest Festival in Lake Elmo - looking forward to seeing alpacas and spending way more than I should on yarn...it'll be good training for our upcoming trip to Oregon!

Lots to look forward to - pretty exciting for my relatively boring life!

Fun with Stormtroopers!!!

2011-04-27T19:16:00.006-05:00

"Hugs" by Mike Stimpson

"Don't try this at home kids." by Kenny Louie

And my personal favorite...

"The Light Side of the Pullover" by Stéfan Le Dû

I blog; therefore, I am.

2011-04-27T17:11:00.002-05:00

I just read some random blog post by a normal girl with a normal life. She's having some kind of existential crisis thanks to blogging - questioning why she has a blog, if she should have a blog, where her place in the blogosphere is, etc.

I don't get it.

It's a blog.

I don't know if anybody reads this - and I don't especially care. I guess if I felt like I had an audience who expected something from me I might feel some kind of pressure, but even then...

It's a blog.

I read blogs for the same reason I read anything - entertainment, the chance to feel connected, general nosiness...I rarely actually read entire blog posts, though. I just scroll through them on Google Reader and stop if a title or image catches my eye.

I wonder if I'm a "good blogger's" worst nightmare...

Anyway, back to real life for me...Cheers!

Kick Darth Vader

2011-04-23T10:25:00.001-05:00

Ok...one more display of awesomeness and then I promise I'll try to provide actual content in my blog...

Happy Little Trees

2011-04-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

I love Legos and I love Bob Ross and I love happy little trees...

This is just awesome.

2011-04-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

Awesome.

That pretty much sums it up...

Friday, Friday, Gotta Fill In on Friday

2011-04-21T23:12:00.001-05:00

From Friday Fill-Ins...

1. Pardon me, that thing you just said - it's really stupid (I've been holding that back alllllllll week).

2. I love a good deal.

3. I was surprised to find that I really like Pinterest!.

4. Watching Dr Who is one of my favorite forms of entertainment.

5. Hi, my name is Amy Jane and I'm AWESOME .

6. I vaguely remember summer afternoons.

7. And as for the weekend, Friday night I'm looking forward to the end of a long week, Saturday my plans include cleaning my house... and Sunday, I want to not celebrate Easter !

I don't match.

2011-04-20T17:54:00.002-05:00

My socks rarely match - my outfit or each other - in the traditional sense. Pairing my socks identically is depressingly un-creative. Instead, I match stripes with stripes, polk-a-dots with polk-a-dots, monkeys with monkeys, Christmas with Halloween, argyle with pirates, etc.

I don't understand the"second sock syndrome" that apparently plagues many knitters. If just the thought of knitting a second sock like the one you just finished makes you bored and uninspired...why on Earth would you do it?

I'm not a sock knitter, but I do knit arm and leg warmers for my little cousins. I avoid any of this second syndrome business entirely in 2 ways:

1. Interesting yarn - variegated, self-striping, hand painted, etc. I especially love Crystal Palace's Mochi Plus. It's fun and knits up fast - and it passes the "itchy" test!

2. Pairs of 3. If I'm using solid colored yarn, I make random stripe patterns or just make each a different color. Interesting yarn is far more interesting to knit with, though (see above) and is bound to make 3 coordinating arm/leg warmers. With 2 balls of Mochi Plus, I can knit 3 arm/leg warmers which is perfect!

To avoid giving the impression I am incapable of matching, I tie a ribbon around the mismatched items and attach a button that proudly announces "I don't match!"

I hope it reminds them that it's awesome to be different and creative and think outside the box - and that their cousin is rad.

Anyway, today, my boss's boss's boss told me that he's been meaning to tell me that he loves my socks. Apparently, he notices "things that make people interesting."

That made me very happy! I love my socks and I always kinda hope somebody will notice them! I explained my "reasoning" and "pairs of 3" to him and he loved it. Back at my cube, I saw one of my "I don't match!" buttons on my knitting bag. I wrote a little note about how I hope the buttons remind my cousins to embrace their creativity and left it on his desk. A little while later he showed up at my cube to let me know I made his day - he knows exactly where he'll display it in his cube, and plans to wear it to meetings.

Awesome.

2011-04-07T12:43:00.000-05:00

I set up a "virtual pinboard" today on Pinterest! It's a new site (still in beta, I think) for collecting and sharing stuff you find online - pictures, ideas, things you want, whatever.

I haven't done much with it yet, but you can find me at http://pinterest.com/AmyJane/.

Saturday is the new Friday

2011-02-26T11:14:00.000-06:00

A Friday Fill-In...on Saturday (close enough)

1. Ooooh, I got a yarn winder.

2. No more winter, I can't stand it!

3. How the heck did I end up with so many messes to clean.

4. Florida is one of my favorite places to visit.

5. I'm not a Red Bull addict, I'm not!

6. If it's Malabrigo, it has to be good.

7. And as for the weekend, ~~tonight I'm looking forward to~~ last night I hula hooped and danced around the living room with John, ~~tomorrow~~ today my plans include possibly eating delicious Italian foos and Sunday, I want to knit!

Remembering The Before Time

2011-02-25T15:54:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking lately about how my life USED to be - what I did, what I liked, what inspired me, what I cared about, who I cared about...That kind of stuff.

It's getting harder to remember.

The Before Time ended around August, 2008. My dad had his first surgery - the installation of the Robo-Bladder. I didn't realize it then and I don't think it was a catalyst for most of the other disasters that followed so it's really only in retrospect that I think of it as a turning point in my life. Maybe it was more like the beginning of a Dark Age, marked by traumatic events...

Hummmm...I kind of like that idea. What comes next? Restoration? Enlightenment? A Renaissance? All of the above?

I really need to brush up on my history.

My point is really nothing I haven't been saying here for probably far too long: I don't know what Normal is.

I suppose I get to define it and fill it with whatever I want...which is a nice idea, in some ways...but I think I depend on structure and direction more than I realize or like to admit.

I recently watched the first 2 seasons of a BBC TV show called Survivors (it's a remake of a show from the 70's). The premise is pretty much the same as 28 Days Later so I won't go into that. Anyway, in an early episode, one of the survivors asks another what she used to do and she responds, "It doesn't matter anymore" (or something like that).

I've had that stuck in my head for a few days. I keep asking - WHY wouldn't that matter? It seems to me that every single skill and bit of knowledge you had would impact your future and thus matter a LOT...but it's a future the survivors are left to define and create for themselves. In a scary, volatile world suddenly without order or leadership, how do you KNOW what matters? How do you define and plan for a future that may never come? A future that definitely won't - and can't - even resemble what you'd always expected?

The past still matters, but how do you reconcile it with an unfamiliar future?

Friday, Friday, Friday!!!!

2011-02-11T11:29:00.001-06:00

Time for another Friday Fill-In!

1. Family is nice to have.

2. Life has its ups and downs.

3. Trust TV - if it's on TV, it must be true!

4. Hope for the best.

5. Parents - please keep your kids from running around public places like wild animals.

6. What you think was said, is not always actually what was said.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include knitting and Netflix (always safe assumptions) and Sunday, I want to *see my plans for tomorrow!

A Day in my Life...2008

2011-01-31T23:37:00.005-06:00

3 years ago - January 31, 2008 - I decided to document a day in my life. I'd just joined Flickr and read Ali Edwards' Life Artist and was feeling *quite* inspired...

I didn't do a great job of it, as far as documentation goes: I don't have much besides some random pictures and very vague and unimportant memories...but that has value, I guess. At any rate, it's refreshing to know that I'm just as random as I've ever been!

I thought about documenting my day 3 years later (I really like arbitrary anniversaries), but my I just wasn't feeling it - and taking pictures while driving through a Minnesota winter is just a BAD idea.

My life 3 years ago was somewhat more entertaining, though...

Once upon a time, in the magical world of suburbia, a weird and random, whimsical sort of girl lived in a little yellow house in the Land of the Crapids.

It was in the Before Time - a time when life made sense; a time when things were exciting, when nothing seemed impossible - and nothing was...

...a time with MUCH less snow...but it was still cold.

Anyway, our little heroine loved podcasts...

...and her Timbuk2 bags...

...and her job...

even if it was a wee bit exhausting sometimes.

Her cell phone kinda sucked, but that secretly made her very happy because it meant she got a brand new one!

She wasn't all alone, though. She had her faithful mutt, Bailey...

...a boy she thought she really liked...

...and a very good friend who reminded her that she really didn't.

Her fridge was decorated in her randomly whimsical...and weird way - and also stocked with the finest of girl-drinks!

She used iChat on her iMac and wrote the boring details of her day on a blog called {Amy_Jane}.

Life was a wee bit crazy for our little girl in the little yellow house in the Crapids...but she wore a blue T-shirt with a little giraffe on it...and that somehow made everything ok.

Around my neck everyday...

2011-01-29T20:20:00.002-06:00

Miss you, Dad.

Friday...more or less...

2011-01-22T02:21:00.000-06:00

1. So many of us really will be ok.

2. Life goes on... even in hardship.

3. Those who are accepting of me and my...me-ness are awesome.

4. The future is waiting quietly.

5. Light is in both the sky and the paint section.

6. I'm really not the best example of all that is ordinary.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to eh...., tomorrow my plans include the usual - library, knitting, Netflix....and Sunday, I want to eat ice cream!!!!!

30 days of thirtiness

2011-01-09T17:27:00.000-06:00

I've been 30 for 30 days now - and it has been very uneventful. I haven't had any huge, life-shifting reflections or monumental memories. Being 30 feels a whole lot like being 29.

I have, however,....

Watched a whole lot of Netflix
Become addicted to Dr Who
Knit at least 2 scarves and 3 hats
Become a very proud owner of a *convection oven* and an *iPad*
Got to see Nic J
Been an icky ball of sickness
Celebrated Bailey's 4th birthday
Done a fair amount of yarn-shopping
Power-cleaned my house...more or less...
Got a new-old type set drawer to add to my collection
Hosted a "family dinner"
Decorated a little Xmas tree
Eaten several fried eggs on toast
Danced around the living room with John
Ordered Jimmy John's at work about 5 times
Wished I had much shorter hair
Enjoyed many Clementines
Missed my BFF and my dad
Seen my grandparents and my uncle & family
Slept about 4 hours a night, on average
Made a snow angel

...so...being 30 is ok...

When I grow up...

2011-01-08T02:31:00.001-06:00

When I grow up, I want to be the kind of person who gets invited to TED.

The podcast will just have to do for now...

Friiiiiiiday....

2011-01-08T02:20:00.002-06:00

As always, you can find the Friday Fill-In here!

1. It's 2011; I don't especially care.

2. I do not eat pickles.

3. Thankfully I have my super awesome new iPad - it's done a very good job of entertaining me while I've been sick in bed and on the couch all week.

4. I miss a lot of the best things in life.

5. I am so sick of being sick!!!!!

6. I bowl VERY badly.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not feeling sick and icky, tomorrow my plans include going to the library, knitting, and watching Dr. Who and Sunday, I want to [insert my plans for Saturday]!

I have a very depressing blog...

2011-01-02T15:37:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about my blog...and my thoughts...basically, life, the universe, and everything.

I think of my blog as a snapshot of my mind at any given moment. I think there is inherent value in that...but I often wonder why I make it public. I don't really know who, if anybody, reads it. I don't know what I offer that is of value or what, if anything, it'll ever mean to anybody.

That being said, I find myself filtering what i choose to post more and more.

Maybe that's good?

I know a lot of my posts are depressing. I know I often write - and talk - about depressing things. My dad especially...

I don't think i should apologize for that - and I'm not...but I do feel weird about it.

I am not crazy-depressed all the time. I am not obsessed with death. I am moving on in as normal of a way as can be expected - and while I don't know what "normal" is, I do believe that grief has a timeline all its own.

That being said, I write when I NEED to write.

When my thoughts explode, I write.

When I can't kick and scream and cry, I write.

When nobody understands, I write.

But why...? Why share it with anybody who happens to notice it? I don't know...

I really don't.

I talk about my dad when i think of him - which is often - and, believe it or not, it makes me happy to do so. Memories are what keeps me with him...

I don't know why I feel like I should apologize for that...

I like my life. I'm grateful for it and the people and things that fill it...feeling sad doesn't cancel that out. It really doesn't...

2010

2011-01-02T14:28:00.001-06:00

2007, 2008, 2009, and now...

2010

1. Who was your first kiss of 2010?

John

2. Who do you think will be your last kiss of 2010?

It was John.

3. What was your best vacation/trip in 2010?

I didn't go anywhere in 2010...and that is a horribly depressing realization....

4. Who was your best friend through out the whole 2010?

Deonna

5. How many times did you move this year?

No moving for me

6. Did you make any new friends in the year 2010?

A few of my new co-workers have become friends - Scott, Kunal, Aravinda, etc - and if I'm forgetting you, but you're reading this, I'm sorry! You're a new friend :) Also, Tami via Nic J!

7. How many different people did you kiss in the year 2010?

Just one!

8. Were you single or taken most of 2010?

I wouldn't say "taken" - that's a wee dated...but I have been in a relationship.

9. Did you lose any friends in the year 2010?

I lost my BFF to Florida. :(

10. Favorite tv show of 2010?

Law and Order: SVU, Shaun the Sheep, Weeds, Dr. Who, Jon & Kate + 8, Pawn Stars, American Pickers, The Office...and a gazillion more...I am addicted to NetFlix

11. Any new additions to the family in 2010?

12. Any new tattoos in 2010?

Nope, but I still want to get one in honor of my dad

13. Do anything you regret in 2010?

Hindsight is 20/20

14. Favorite new item in 2010?

All my wonderful Malabrigo yarn, NetFlix via the Wii

15. How old did you turn in 2010?

The big 3-0

16. Did you go to prom in 2010?

This is a stupid question and I am ignoring it from now on.

17. Favorite memory of 2010?

Hummm...it hasn't been an especially memorable year...reading nursery rhymes and toasting with Violet always makes me smile, though! :)

18. Did anyone close to you die in 2010?

19. Do you think 2011 will be better than 2010?

I hope so.

20. What did you do on new years eve?

Dealt with the New Year's Curse while knitting and watching Dr. Who. I hate New Year's Eve.

21. What is the status of you and the last person you texted?

I <3 Other Amy

22. What is wrong with you right now?

I feel really out of it. I think my brain is on another planet.

23. Do you miss your first love?

Nah, I see him all the time. Other Amy makes him very happy. :) (Same answer - always!)

24. When did you last cry?

Yesterday

25. Who do you hate?

I still hate my old boss.

26. What do you want in your life right now?

Peace. Security. Love. Happiness.

27. Are you happy?

I've been happier, but I get by.

28. What do you smell like?

Nothing in particular...I hope.

29. Drinking?

Sure.

30. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?

Covers. Can't sleep without covers.

31. What do you wear to bed?

Last night it was my favorite yellow sweat pants and a Woot! t-shirt...pretty typical.

32. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?

Probably - I think too much.

33. Whose house did you go to last night?

My very own.

34. What about the night before that?

See #33

35. Do you like anyone right now?

I like people who aren't stupid and who don't waste my time.

36. What is the last movie you watched?

Office Tigers was the last new movie I watched with mostly full attention - I watched National Lampoon's Xmas Vacation, Home Alone 2, A Xmas Story, and Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring on Christmas, but I've seen all those before lots of times and only half-paid attention. Office Tigers was quite good, by the way.

37. What are you excited about?

Going to Florida and seeing my BFF!!!!

38. Who was last to touch your ass?

He knows who he is.

39. When you sleep, do you dream about heroin addicts?

No....but I wouldn't mind dreaming about Ewan McGregor....and he was a heroin addict in Trainsppotting.

40. Whats on your mind right now?

"blaaaaahhhhh..."

41. Who was the last person to make you cry?

Just me, I guess.

42. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "R."

Rodia

43. Do you care what others think about you?

44. Do you trust people easily?

Sometimes...but sometimes I should probably trust more easily...

45. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?

Hope so.

46. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?

47. Whats your first text in your inbox say?

I just cleaned out my inbox! The most recent one that is still there is from Gino via Facebook - he'd be jealous of my new iPad if it wasn't an iPad. :)

48. Who was the last person you called?

John

49. Who was the last missed call?

Also John.

50. What's your ring tone?

Depends on who is calling, but my current default is the theme song to Weeds (season 1 version)

51. Do you plan on moving out in the next year?

Nope.

52. What were you doing at 8pm last Friday night?

Last Friday was New Year's Eve...I was knitting and listening to an audio book with John - he was playing World of Warcraft. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my boyfriend plays World of Warcraft...

53. What happened at 10:00 am today?

Waking up with my boys and podcasts.

Pillows are Creeps

2010-12-08T07:04:00.000-06:00

Since nobody I work with ever notices or appreciates my clever shirts, I'm going to take advice my buddy Mike gave me a while ago and post a picture here (well, he actually suggested Facebook, but my blog is linked to my Facebook page so it'll eventually show up there.)

From my beloved shirt.woot! -

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

2010-11-25T18:36:00.001-06:00

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

While I do question the basic premise and traditions of the holiday, I'm not morally or politically opposed to it in any way. I like to eat - turkey that's not dry, mashed potatoes without lumps, and stuffing from a box are among my favorite foods. A reason to spend time with the people you love and/or are related to is good. I always appreciate a day off work, especially one so dedicated to laziness.

I used to celebrate Thanksgiving. Growing up, I watched Charlie Brown and the Macy's parade on TV while working on my entry for the Star Tribune's "Oh, You Turkey!" coloring contest. I was dragged to awkward family meals where I learned that 2 minutes in football time translates to hours of boredom. I've created innumerable hand-shaped turkeys and even a few construction paper cornucopias.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in 2008. I almost didn't - I'd reluctantly agreed to go with my dad to meet my grandparents for a casino buffet. When the day came, though, I slept in and didn't answer his calls. I expected the familiar voice mail message - "Amy...it's Dad. Why don't you ever answer your phone?" - but instead he showed up at my house. In less than 5 minutes, I was dressed and we were on the road.

I remember the drive in a dream-like way...I remember appreciating the way he and I could be together without having to talk...I remember writing in my journal at the casino bar watching my dad gamble...I remember him saying that he actually felt GOOD...I remember telling my grandparents not to worry about him...I remember sleeping on our drive home...

Mostly, I remember thinking that my dad was going to be ok.

I'm eternally thankful for that day and those memories.

I look forward to making new Thanksgiving memories someday. I know I can do that without forgetting my dad or degrading my memories of him - and I know it's what he'd want.

But, for now...I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Au Naturale.

2010-11-13T21:59:00.001-06:00

I <3 New Zealand!

I posted a video filmed and narrated by Bill Morrison, starring Scottish Stu and yours truly, to YouTube this afternoon (it is here if you don't see it HERE).

It's totally random and pretty much pointless so if you have something super important or interesting to do for 59 seconds, I definitely recommend you do that instead...

In Loving Memory

2010-11-01T17:17:00.001-05:00

I finally went to my dad’s grave this weekend – the first time I’ve been to the cemetery since we buried his ashes. I didn’t really plan to go, but it was a nice day and there it was and there I was…

It probably seems like I’ve been avoiding it. Maybe I have to some extent, but is anybody really EXCITED to go to a cemetery? And their father’s grave? I doubt it.

And really, what was I supposed to gain by going? My dad didn’t like cemeteries any more than I do and I obviously don’t have fond memories of the many, wonderful hours he and I spent together among dead people. In terms of closure, I’m pretty sure holding him as he died was plenty of clarification that he was gone – and putting his remains into the ground solidified the fact that he wouldn’t be coming back.

I wanted to go, though. While the cemetery doesn’t seem to house much of his spirit, the surrounding area – the Camden area of North Minneapolis – definitely does. It’s where we all grew up, more or less. Lots of memories…

So, I went. I assumed I’d know exactly where he was – how could I forget that cloudy morning in July with my family, my grampa and uncle, and so many of our friends when I left him there? What kind of daughter would that make me? How would I ever be able to live with myself???!!!

Yeah, well, it’s a cemetery. Needless to say, flat plots of ground don’t make especially good landmarks so, after a few laps, I finally just called my mom. (For the record, I was pretty close.)

His marker is nice and there were some flowers and a plaque from my grandma. I didn’t bring anything – I know he’d rather I buy myself a drink and I’m happy to honor his wishes (because I AM a good daughter!) It was weird, I guess…I could not remember where I had stood or what I saw the last time I was there at all. I didn’t have much of a reaction – it was sad, of course, but it was much harder going to the State Fair and it always sucks when I find an amazing burger that I can’t tell him about.

I didn’t cry.

RIP, Dad…

Another Friday Fill-In!

2010-10-22T15:24:00.000-05:00

1. One of my strongest beliefs is Naps Are Productive (NAP!).

2. My co-worker told me my iPod is huge!

3. The sky is cloudy with a threat of rain and wind and cold, so that makes me happy!

4. Bad TV is comforting to me.

5. I always thought I'd be in a much different place when I was almost 30...

6. I finally escaped work and then I went outside to look at the full moon. (Lame, I know...but I couldn't think of anything else and I hate that it's dark when I leave work!)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with Amber, Derek, and John, tomorrow my plans include Amy T(almost Z)'s wedding!, and Sunday, I want to see Gramma and finish knitting my hat!

A Good Enough Place to Start

2010-10-20T15:32:00.000-05:00

I haven’t felt the urge to blog lately…or document my life at all, really. I used to journal in some form nearly every day – I’m not sure where my motivation went.

Actually, I seem to have stopped doing a lot of things: reading books, writing, taking/editing/printing pictures, going to Target, talking on the phone, painting, travelling, reading blogs, laundry…

Some of those things have been replaced – I read more magazines instead of books, I knit instead of paint…Not very many.

I’m not really sure where my time goes, my energy, my drive…

Working again obviously plays a big part. I have a very annoying commute that wastes at least 2 hours of my day. Since there’s not much around here or a break room, I don’t take a lunch break. After staring at work stuff on my computer all day, I’m not especially excited to edit photos or keep up on blogs or anything like that.

My essentially non-existent social life is also an issue. I haven’t been spending a ton of time with any of my friends or family and haven’t really bonded with any of my co-workers.

I probably sound pretty pathetic and/or depressed. I don’t think I’m either…I do feel very overwhelmed. I think I lost my momentum somewhere in the past couple years. I have so much I have to do, should do, want to do – but as soon as I start thinking of all those things, I get a feeling that is all too familiar to me, a feeling I’ve always struggled with:

I feel like I’m falling down a hole – like a ravine or a canyon. Every so often, I am able to find my footing or get a good grasp on a branch. I make a little progress, feel a little more hopeful, get stronger and more confident.

Eventually, though, the branch breaks or the ground crumbles and I start to slip again. Sometimes I just trip a little – I find something to hold on to, to support me, and I regain my balance and move on. Other times, I go tumbling down with everything I try to catch slipping out of reach or collapsing along with me, adding to the pain I feel when I finally get to steady ground.

Beaten and exhausted, I want to give up. I want to sleep until I forget; or, wake up and realize it was all a dream. I want a rescue team to swoop in and save me. I want to learn to be ok with where I am, to just settle for what I have. I wallow in self-pity and allow it to paralyze me.

Inevitably, I do wake up and accept that there is no rescue team. I have to admit that I hate being stuck. I hate settling. I know I don’t want to be at the bottom, always looking up – and what’s worse is that I know I don’t have to be. I realize I hate myself.

But where do I start? Despite what the Von Trapp family may have lead us to believe, “the very beginning,” while definitely a very good place to start, is not always clear. So, I think, I make plans, I write lists, I assure myself I’ll figure it all out tomorrow…

And that brings me to today, I guess. I don’t feel like this is a very good ending and I think I should say something literal and positive, but if I don’t post this now, I’ll have one more thing to add to my never ending lists – and I promised Other Amy an update – so just know that I still exist and will try to have a more exciting life to blog about.

Cheers!

Another Friday Fill-In!

2010-10-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

1. My favorite month is June because I hate being cold.

2. My allergies don't always appreciate a fresh breeze.

3. I love to sniff cherry-almond scented things.

4. French toast sticks is what I like to have as a treat for breakfast.

5. The hobby I enjoy most is knitting

6. Ummmm... oh my!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to continuing to enjoy my 4-day weekend, tomorrow my plans include the cemetery and Sunday, I want to work on getting my house in order!

Friday Fill-In!!!

2010-10-01T10:14:00.001-05:00

1. My back often hurts in the morning.

2. I wrote my senior paper on Oscar wild. (Well, Oscar WildE...)

3. Leaves are falling all around, leaves are falling on the ground.

4. Exhaustion and/or boredom tend to lead me to forgetfulness.

5. Healing is painful

6. Too much work! is what I've been up to lately!

From Friday Fill-Ins!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to leaving work, tomorrow my plans include knitting and Sunday, I want to do more knitting!

From Friday Fill-Ins!

how i spent 3 hours of my weekend...

2010-09-20T01:10:00.002-05:00

I knit a little hat for The Mutt!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

On this day in history, 2005...

2010-09-17T23:57:00.024-05:00

From my LiveJournal, exactly 5 years ago:

Date:	2005-09-17 23:57
Subject:	Clothes...clothes...clothes!!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Mall madness

(didn't there used to be some lame board game called that?)

I bought all sorts of new clothes for work this weekend. I get sick of wearing the same khakis, plain t-shirts, cardigan sweaters all the time. It is beginning to feel like a uniform...Shopping is fun anyway. I got good deals cause of all the back to school stuff being on sale to make room for winter stuff. I went to Old Navy, Gap, and American Eagle - my favorite 3!

Cleaning...blech

We're cleaning out the old apartment tomorrow...once and for all! We're even bring in reinforcements (i.e. my mother). Hopefully we'll just get it all DONE.

Cat Condo!

I just ordered the cutest cat house/scratchy post thing for the boys. Those things are usually unreasonably expensive (wood + carpet does NOT equal $400!), but I found this great site called www.stepsforpets.com and it has them still overpriced, but not nearly as outrageous (mine was $75 with free shipping). The cats and I are very excited for it to arrive in 3-5 business days.

My New New Normal and the 101 Things of Amy Jane

2010-09-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

My life's in a somewhat transitional sort of place at the moment. I'm doing my best to embrace my New New Normal.

To clarify, the beginning of my New Normal was marked by what I like to refer to as Hurricane Amy. No need to focus on that now, though - it's all about my New New Normal.

I think the timing is very appropriate. For much of my life, the year "began" the day after Labor Day - i.e. the first day of school. This year, the day marked the first day of my new job - a rather serendipitous turn of events. With that came new responsibilities, routines, plans, goals, clothes...a bit of everything.

So, welcome to my

New New Normal!!!

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Somewhat coincidentally, I recently discovered the Day Zero project. Check out the web site for details, but basically, you list 101 goals that you want to achieve within 1001 days. Your list can be public or totally private, there are several ideas and links to inspire you, you can also list "someday" goals, and it's freeeeeee! I think it will be a fun way to help me focus and get my life back on something resembling a track.

I finished my list about 5 minutes ago - I have until June 9, 2013 to complete my 101 goals (I actually have 106 goals - figured a little wiggle room would be good.) I decided to make my list private for now, but my includes things like...

Visit my dad's grave.
Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
Host Christmas at my house.
Blog everyday for a month.
Install a back splash.
Swim in the ocean.
Take a road trip
Pay off my credit card debt
Have a good New Year's Eve - and break the New Year's Eve Curse!
Renew my passport

Another one of my goals is to inspire at least 5 people to make a list so let me know if you do!

Cheers!

Amy Jane

Friday Fill-In - 9/3/10

2010-09-03T13:25:00.001-05:00

Another Friday Fill-In!

1. Family is nice to have.

2. Sometimes Bailey goes crazy and runs back and forth.

3. I love a good deal.

4. $5 burgers on Wednesdays at Bennigan's makes a good meal.

5. I've got the cruddiest allergies - yuck

6. What the heck?! : wth!!!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the house not being humid and hot; tomorrow my plans include a very mini-road trip to check out my new place of employment and hopefully some yummy Italian food; and Sunday, I want to get something "business professional" to wear for my first day at the new job!

Long time, no blog

2010-08-16T22:06:00.002-05:00

I'm a lame blogger lately...

I haven't had much to report. I've been missing my dad a lot lately. Weird, random little things make me think about him. I find myself wishing I could call him to tell him something funny I saw on TV or where I got a really good burger...

I've dreamed about him a few times. Nothing very interesting or sad or anything, though.

I feel lost a lot of the time...I'm kinda direction-less, I guess.

I miss Deonna lots too. Sigh.

So...not much to blog about. I'll try to come up with some less depressing news.

Another Friday Fill-In (Finally!)

2010-07-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Friday Fill-Ins!

1. I'm going to the new Twins stadium on Sunday.

2. I miss being adventure and daring.

3. Perhaps today you can make it a point to be productive!

4. My trips abroad = my true adventurer’s spirit.

5. Compassion is important

6. Eventually, everything tends to work out in the end - no matter how difficult.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to time with The Boyfriend, tomorrow my plans include lots of plans...but probably not much action, and Sunday, I want to eat a hot dog at the baseball game (that's really the only reason I'm all that interested in going)!

Kids Tend to Love Me...

2010-06-21T21:15:00.002-05:00

Me and Owen
Originally uploaded by {Amy_Jane}

Owen looks a wee bit apprehensive in this picture....but I'm pretty sure he loves me.

I have a funny feeling....

2010-06-14T04:04:00.002-05:00

Friday Fill-In...on Friday!

2010-05-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

1. My Gramma never fails to make me smile.
2. I'm looking forward to the *Lost* finale!
3. Law and Order: SVU is what I'm listening to right now.
4. Potato salad must have potatoes? in it!
5. N/A was the best thing I ate today.
6. Today was same old, same old.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing John, tomorrow my plans include nothing that I can think of, and Sunday, I want to watch the *Lost* finale!

Tuesday is the new Friday

2010-05-05T02:19:00.001-05:00

From Friday Fill-Ins, 4/29/2010 - #174

1. I was feeling hopeful when I woke up today.

2. I wanted a boy to like me after he broke up with me and I left my book at his house so I'd have an excuse to go there again. And he'd fall in love with me. Obviously..

3. Why did the price for gas go up 10 cents in less than 3 hours today?

4. My daddy was in my thoughts today.

5. One of my father's favorite sayings was "We'll see....grumble, grumble...rrrrr...".

6. BLAH!!! --I know that feeling!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _____, tomorrow my plans include _____ and Sunday, I want to _____!

I'm skipping the last one again...I really need to remember to do these things on Friday.

Friday Fill-in...on Tuesday...

2010-04-27T16:31:00.001-05:00

I just found the Friday Fill-Ins blog! This is from last Friday - #173:

1. Where are my leftover fishing-themed embellishments (I think there were leftovers...)?

2. If wishes were horses they would smell bad.

3. I'd like to see Men Who Stare at Goats and the iMax version of Alice in Wonderland.

4. When I was a teen, I thought people were dumb.

5. One of my mother's favorite sayings was ...um...I don't know...I don't think she has any....

6. I'd have a hard time doing without my MacBook.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _____, tomorrow my plans include _____ and Sunday, I want to _____!

I'm skipping #7 since it's Tuesday.

I'm kind of a hermit lately...I've been feeling very introspective and haven't felt like doing much of anything. Meh.

Maybe a Flicker is Good Enough.

2010-04-21T06:50:00.002-05:00

Back in January, I wrote a post about a *spark* that was somewhere inside me.

I don't know anymore...

I believe in the right to wallow. The right to grieve, even if nobody gets it and it just looks like self-pity. The right to let time work it's magic.

But, it has been a year.

One year and one day since my dad's funeral. One year and six days since he died. One year and nine days since we had the last thing resembling a conversation.

I guess I'm supposed to be moving on. It's supposed to hurt less. It's supposed to be easier.

I haven't and it doesn't and it's not.

Have I lost that *spark*?

Do I still have a *flicker* where it once was?

I don't know.

I hope so.

It's been so extremely painful lately.

It's nearly impossible to get motivated to do anything and even when I do, my attention span doesn't last much more than a half hour.

Maybe I'm just in a funk.

I sleep a lot - not so much at night, though.

The nights haven't gotten easier.

I've been wondering a lot lately about how my dad felt about leaving me. Was he scared? Did he worry I wouldn't be ok? Did he hold on as long as he could for ME?

I'll never know.

Of course I know that he didn't WANT to die; that he didn't want any more pain; that he was exhausted...

I guess it's selfish for me to hope that he was scared to leave me. Maybe I think that would prove that he loved me...

Of course I know he did.

But...I hurt so much.

I feel like I didn't just lose him - I lost my whole family. That's what hurts the most, I think. The anniversary of my dad's death has certainly gotten me down, but it's also gotten me thinking about lots of other things.

Things have been bad lately. Not everything, but some really important things. Things that leave me feeling like an orphan; like the ground is collapsing beneath me; like even though things will work themselves out, it will never, ever be the same...and I don't like that.

I know I'm loved. I know I'm strong. I know I'll be ok.

Knowing, believing those things doesn't make life easier. They don't give me the solace I so desperately want.

I tend to think that I was too preoccupied with being brave and strong to grieve a year ago; that now I have the time - and the distance - to...focus on the grieving process.

And it is a process. It's not the clean-cut stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - that seem to be the expected, "normal" way of dealing with it...

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

I read that here. I think it sums up what I'm trying to say.

So many people have been wonderfully supportive and I can't begin to describe how much that's meant to me. I know I'm not alone. There are people who understand exactly how I feel and others who have no idea, but help just by being there.

Thank you.

I know what I need to do...and I will...One day at a time.

Nothing should be this painful.

2010-04-15T13:19:00.001-05:00

My dad's funeral...If you look close, you can see the little stuffed bunny my dad held till he died a year ago today - I sleep with it every night.

New Pictures on Flickr!

2010-03-28T03:00:00.002-05:00

I added some new pictures to Flickr - they start here. I upload lots of pictures at once, but edit them with Picnik slowly - starting with the most recently uploaded which means you have to go to page 3 or 4 or whatever...

FYI - I do NOT think this is the BEST method, by ANY means, but I haven't installed Aperture yet, editing in iPhoto is kinda limited and annoys me, and going from iPhoto to PhotoShop and back is a pain...

Anyway, you can see some silly pictures of my friends and me from the past couple months as well as some of my little cousin Lydia - she's 7 - learning to knit and a scarf I made for my buddy NicJ!

Hello...world....!

2010-03-27T01:32:00.000-05:00

Blogging has not been a priority lately...

Even if you're a creepy stalker who obsessively follows my blog, I promise you're not missing out on much.

Life is not especially exciting - same old, same old.

I'm working on some random projects...hopefully I'll have something to show for it all soon.

Check it out, yo...it's AWESOME

2010-03-20T03:15:00.005-05:00

http://www.etsy.com/shop/CraftAwesome

I still exist! I swear!!!

2010-03-16T21:01:00.003-05:00

I've been MIA lately (what else is new?)....

I'm working on fixing that.

In the meantime, I added some pictures to Flickr. Enjoy!

...and way back when...

2010-02-14T05:38:00.000-06:00

Waiting for flowers from Daddy!

Happy Valentine's Day! {now}

2010-02-14T04:45:00.001-06:00

Thank you!

2010-02-09T07:12:00.001-06:00

I write this as I'm crying,

sitting on my basement floor,

at 7:07 AM,

in the middle of a dreary Minnesota winter...

Thank you.

Thank you to everybody who has been nice to me.

Everybody who has taken a few minutes to email, leave a comment, send a text message, call, whatever....

Everybody who has understood -

And everybody who can't understand and knows that...

And everybody who tries...

I guess I get a wee bit over-emotional after a few days without sleep....but I still mean it.

I miss my dad so much and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt and my nose is running and my eyes are swelling and tears are ruining my laptop....

So, thank you.

Sigh....I miss my daddy...

2010-02-09T07:06:00.001-06:00

I am missing my dad so much lately...there's no specific reason why I'd be thinking of him in the middle of February....but I can't think of much else.

I wonder where he is...

Is he thinking about me?

Does he miss me?

Can he feel how much I miss him?

Did he know I was there - till the very end?

I have no idea.

I don't even know why it matters...I would've been there either way. Just like all the Father's Day presents that still had the tags on them 2 or 4 or 10 years later.

My dad and I could be in a car together for 3 hours and say less than a dozen words to each other the whole time, but still have an awesome time.

I tend to believe THAT's how you know you're close to somebody....

Yet, I can't hear him say he loved me.

I hate that.

So yeah.

2010-02-03T04:37:00.000-06:00

Read my blog or don't...I've realized that's not the point.

It's for ME.

If you like it, if it means something to you, if it entertains you for any amount of time, or whatever, and thus, you read it, AWESOME!

If not....it's not going anywhere.

But it'll be there when I need it.

XOXOX!

- Amy

This is why writing matters.

2010-02-03T04:24:00.003-06:00

4 years ago I read this and 4 years ago it meant something and 4 years later, it still does:

I am alone.
Alone here and alone in the world.
Alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
Alone everywhere,
all the time,
for as long as I can remember.
Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People.
Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness.
I am alone in my horror.
Alone in my horror.

I don't want to be alone.
I have never wanted to be alone.
I fucking hate it.
I hate that I have no one to talk to,
I hate that I have no one to call,
I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right.
I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with,
I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams,
I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again.
I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness.
I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness lives in a pipe or a bottle.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon.
I hate that I will die alone.

I will die alone in my horror.

More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted it to feel as if I wasn't alone.
I have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right.
We would be together and be close to each other, but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone.
They felt that loneliness and it made them want to get closer.
When they tried, I either ran or did something to destroy what we felt for each other.
I can run fast when i want to run fast, and I've always been good at destroying things.

Originally blogged here.

Random Thoughts

2010-02-03T04:20:00.000-06:00

Random thoughts...questioning, mostly.

That's what I do best at 4 AM during a random night in February...

I remember...

     1 year ago (2009) - When will my carpet finally be installed? A boy named Andy...My dad is ok...he promised not to die...he NEVER promises ANYTHING...he WILL be ok. I'm an *artist*.

   2 years ago (2008) - A boy named Jordan....and am I seriously going to New Zealand? Seriously? What if I HATE Scottish Stu?

     3 years ago (2007) - California....Tommy....Willy Mitchell???   Whatever - I have my DREAM job!!! THIS is what I've always wanted to be! AND I'm about to buy a HOUSE and a DOG...Woo!

     4 years ago (2006) - A boy named Derek, Cozumel, Tom...?, law school.....

And this, people, is why I blog.

A snapshot of my mind.

A glimpse of all the seemingly unimportant things going on that come together to make ME.

Proof I exist.

Proof I existed.

Proof I will exist.

Inspiration to believe in that.

It doesn't really matter if you read it or not. Thanks to SiteMeter, I know you do - about 7 people per day, on average, in fact...but whatever.

It's my blog and the Internet has unlimited space for me to rant, rave, whine, complain, love, cry - whatever - as much as I want. Nobody has to read it. Whether or not you do, it's here.

I exist.

I matter.

I left a mark.

So there!

New stuff and updates on BC7ATE9!

2010-01-29T22:55:00.001-06:00

Hello world,

Check out my new-ish blog at www.BC7ATE9.com - I've added some new features and have been posting somewhat regularly. It's on it's way to becoming a *real blog*!

Why on Earth don't I own this???!!!

2010-01-22T00:21:00.001-06:00

www.bampop.com

A Spark

2010-01-20T05:20:00.010-06:00

About 9 months ago, I planned my daddy's funeral.

I never, ever thought that was anything I would or could do.

It went well.

My Grampa was so generous. I kept saying, "No guest book!", "No programs!", "No [anything that cost even MORE money]!"

He insisted on having - and covered the costs of - lots of things.

He was especially adamant about the guest book. It came with a pen - a really NICE pen. We HAD to have that pen.

It was a decent pen.

It was so hard....yet the funeral director made it as easy as that sort of thing can possibly be. It was almost an enjoyable experience...if it wasn't for that whole "death " thing lingering over it all...

When we were done with all the planning, I hugged everybody. I started hugging when my daddy died - I realized that sometimes there just aren't words and hugging makes everything all better for at least a wee bit...

The funeral director - Steven Houfek - stopped me as we were leaving.

He told me that he saw a *spark* within me.

Something undefinable, something good, something positive, fun, happy, optimistic....something lit from within....

He told me that he hoped that wouldn't go away....that I'd be able to keep that *spark* lit despite everything. That I'd still have that within me, even when it became hard to see....

Coming from a guy who deals with grieving people every single day - and has what must be the most depressing job on Earth....it meant something.

He looked me in the eye, hands on my shoulders, looked past my facade of braveness, my fear, my anger....whatever.

"You have a spark inside you. I hope that it doesn't go away as you deal with all this because it is alive and well and beautiful - and it'll keep you strong."

I thanked him.

I thought about it.

I continue to think about it.

Somebody who deals with people in that position for a living must have some insight...

I don't know....

I guess it doesn't matter....

But part of me hopes I DO have a *spark.* Something special....something unique....something that, ultimately, makes it all ok....something that makes me ME...something that matters just for that reason alone...

I don't know what I really mean to say or what my point is....

I guess I just want something within me - intrinsically part of me - that my dad would be proud of - in his way (which really just means that he wouldn't be disgusted by my display of emotions.)

I hope I still have my *spark.*

Is it time to wake up....or time to go to bed?

2010-01-17T07:10:00.001-06:00

Not quite sure....

Insomnia is NOT:

depression,

a suicidal tendency,

anti-social behavior,

a "cry for help,"

abnormal grieving,

etc.

It is what it is.

As much as I hate that expression,

it really does fit my state of mind.

I have pretty much finished knitting THREE scarves today!

Go Amy!

...and that's life here in my funny little world.

Cheers!

Yep

2010-01-11T03:01:00.006-06:00

I just can't find the time

To write my mind

The way I want it to read

Life is sketchy at the moment.

2010-01-10T05:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, day turns into night and then it is day again.

2010-01-09T04:41:00.000-06:00

Those are not my favorite nights.

This, however, is my favorite pirate -

Is there anybody who grew up in the 80's who didn't want Punky's treehouse?

2010-01-09T00:51:00.008-06:00

Punky Brewster was definitely one of the best things to come out of the 80's. Not only did she have that pizza place with the fire pole, but she had The. Most. Amazing. Treehouse. Ever.

I'm still jealous....but I think THIS might just fulfill ALL my treehouse needs.

I'd be perfectly happy with this one...

Meet my new blog...

2010-01-06T17:21:00.003-06:00

I decided to create a 2nd blog. I'll still have this one for all my ramblings about my crazy life and the new one will focus on the crafty, creative, artsy, and imaginative part of myself.

You can find it at www.bc7ate9.com for now. Eventually I hope to make an actual site, but I haven't built a web site in....a very long time so it's pointing to the blogger site till I get around to doing that.

So, welcome to the world BC7ATE9!

2009

2010-01-01T20:21:00.011-06:00

I did this in 2007 and 2008 - sounds like a a tradition....

1. Who was your first kiss of 2009?

I think it was Andy?

2. Who do you think will be your last kiss of 2009?

It was John.

3. What was your best vacation/trip in 2009?

I didn't really go anywhere...the cabin for the 4th of July, I guess.

4. Who was your best friend through out the whole 2009?

Deonna and Sarah and Rodia and Amber

5. How many times did you move this year?

I moved into the hospital to be with my dad, but that was just temporary.

6. Did you make any new friends in the year 2009?

A few - Deonna's neighbors, Paul...I mostly reconnected with several awesome people I'd been missing (Sarah, Deonna, Nick, Lisa, Geno, Amanda, Jessica, John...)

7. How many different people did you kiss in the year 2008?

Ummm....5?

8. Were you single or taken most of 2009?

It was a weird year.

9. Did you lose any friends in the year 2009?

Probably. A few relatives as well....

10. Favorite tv show of 2008?

Law and Order: SVU, anything on HGTV, and - most recently - Hoarders on A&E

11. Any new additions to the family in 2009?

Not officially "family" in the blood-sense, but baby Owen was born and I fell in love with Violet!

12. Any new tattoos in 2009?

No, but I am thinking there may be one in 2010 - something dedicated to my daddy.

13. Do anything you regret in 2009?

Hummm....Not exactly. Every single second I didn't spend with my dad, I guess.

14. Favorite new item in 2009?

I've been unemployed so I haven't done a ton of shopping...maybe my Gophers hoodie??? I wear that a lot. And my birthday pirate, of course. Oh! I just remembered the Mazda Trois! I love her too!

15. How old did you turn in 2009?

16. Did you go to prom in 2009?

I didn't in 1999 when I was in high school and I didn't in 2009 when that would just be totally creepy.

17. Favorite memory of 2009?

Geez....it's been a crap-tastic year....not a ton of good memories....crafting with Deonna, karaoke with Sarah, cabin with the cousins, my birthday party, John, teaching Lydia to knit....

18. Did anyone close to you die in 2009?

My daddy.

19. Do you think 2010 will be better than 2009?

It HAS to be...but I'm not holding my breath. (Same thing I said last year....hummm...)

20. What did you do on new years eve?

Had a wild and crazy time in Ramsey.

21. What is the status of you and the last person you texted?

Jim and I are buddies. (Kinda funny that I didn't have to change that one at all last year nor this year.)

22. What is wrong with you right now?

I'm unemployed, I miss my dad, I'm poor, I have trouble sleeping, I can't learn to crochet to save my life...

23. Do you miss your first love?

Nah, I see him all the time. Other Amy makes him very happy. :) (Same answer - always!)

24. When did you last cry?

A few hours ago.

25. Who do you hate?

My old team leader (still)

26. What do you want in your life right now?

Peace. Security. Love.

27. Are you happy?

I've been happier, but I get by.

28. What do you smell like?

I think John told me I smell "Earthy" or "natural" or something like that.

29. Drinking?

Yes.

30. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?

My Parachuting Bam Bot and covers - must have covers.

31. What do you wear to bed?

Flannel, fleece, or sweat pants and a t-shirt.

32. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?

Probably - I think too much.

33. Whose house did you go to last night?

The Follanos'

34. What about the night before that?

Mine

35. Do you like anyone right now?

I like-like somebody.

36. What is the last movie you watched?

The last movie I watched AND paid attention to was Lost in Translation. Awesome.

37. What are you excited about?

No idea.

38. Who was last to touch your ass?

He knows who he is.

39. When you sleep, do you dream about heroin addicts?

No....but I wouldn't mind dreaming about Ewan McGregor....and he was a heroin addict in Trainsppotting.

40. Whats on your mind right now?

"This is getting to be a very complex blog post....I hope Deonna's happy that I mentioned her as many times as I could without seeming obsessed..."

41. Who was the last person to make you cry?

Just me, I guess.

42. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "R."

Rodia

43. Do you care what others think about you?

44. Do you trust people easily?

Probably too easily.

45. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?

Hope so.

46. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Pretty sure I will.

47. Whats your first text in your inbox say?

The first as in the most recent says "Commando bandy. Lake bandy." (Jim's going skating tomorrow morning.)

48. Who was the last person you called?

49. Who was the last missed call?

Gramma

50. What's your ring tone?

"I'll Follow the Sun"

51. Do you plan on moving out in the next year?

I really really really hope not.

52. What were you doing at 8pm last Friday night?

Um....it was Christmas...John and I watched A Christmas Story and ate chicken nuggets and tater tots.

53. What happened at 10:00 am today?

I was sleeping on Deonna's couch with her dog.

Screw New Year's.

2010-01-01T20:01:00.003-06:00

I thought it was just me, but several of the people I love most in the world (very much including my BFF Deonna) have the same New Year's Curse. Bad things happen. Nobody is happy. If something can go wrong, it will. The whole year starts off badly. Things end in tears and we vow to hibernate next year.

I feel like I shouldn't be so negative in my blog since everybody else's blog is so life-is-wonderful-and-everything-is-great....but life's not always wonderful around here and things aren't always great, no matter how much I try.

And that's life.

And life's NOT so bad. Not really. It could be 3 million times worse. If I've learned anything this past year, it's that.

But...I miss my old life.

4 Years Ago

2009-12-04T17:52:00.003-06:00

4 Years Ago...

1.When You look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you think? I don't look in the mirror very often, but I guess I think the same thing I thought 4 years ago - "Looks just like me!"

2. How much cash do you have on you? No idea...maybe $2 and some change?

3. What's a word that rhymes with TEST? REST

4. Favorite planet? Earth is nice...

5. Who is the 4th person on [your] missed call list? Mr. John Mitchell

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? "I'll Follow the Sun"

7. What shirt are you wearing? This one!

8. Do you "label" yourself? Um....4 years ago, I said "cute." I guess I'll stick with that.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing right now: I'm wearing socks from Little MissMatched

10. Bright or Dark Room? Definitely bright! I need more lamps in my house.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? What do I think about 24-year-old me? Hummmm....She did her best.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching the Steven Segal reality cop show with John...

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "I liked doing it ;)"

15. What's a saying that you say a lot? Crud!

16. Who told you they loved you last? :)

18. Last furry thing you touched? Fun fur yarn

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? Maybe 5? All prescription or generic painkiller.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Nobody uses FILM anymore...

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 4 years ago, I said 19...I'll stick with that. Definitely NOT 28.

22. Your worst enemy? My old team leader...

23. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of Kaikoura in New Zealand.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I don't know...I haven't talked to anybody today.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret: I think I'd change a major regret...I miss my old life. A lot... :(

26. Do you like someone? I do...

27. The last song you listened to? The Golden Girls theme song!

Yarrrrr

2009-12-04T17:45:00.003-06:00

New profile picture!

2009-11-04T12:42:00.005-06:00

I changed the picture of me on here (look to your right). It's one Scottish Stu took when I was in New Zealand. We were at Lake Tekapo (take-a-poo! Ha! That never stops being funny to me...) on our way back up from Queenstown.

It's one of my favorite pictures. I look small and insignificant compared to the big, wide world around me...but I also kinda look invincible or something. I don't know. Any opinions?

It's been a while....

2009-11-04T11:50:00.004-06:00

Hello world,

I haven't posted in a while so it's an excellent excuse to procrastinate!

Life's about the same as usual. I get by.

I was sick last week. I worried that I'd get REALLY sick and end up with medical debt the rest of my life. Fortunately, I felt better in a few days - my nice friend John took care of me (which meant putting up with Law and Order marathons and the Golden Girls - and also Diff'rent Strokes! My Comcast digital cable has random TV shows "on demand" for free!)

Halloween was uneventful. I did a wee bit of decorating - including a Halloween tree - and wore my cat ears. The Halloween tree was the Tree of Life from Advantus. I had fun making random decorations for it. I think it's going to be my Christmas tree too...and maybe I'll have Valentine, St Patrick's Day, and Easter trees....

My little cousin Violyt was here for a sleepover the previous weekend. She's 4 and WAY too adorable for her own good! (And also for mine...I'm thinking her parents should start looking into all-girl schools ASAP!) It was her first time having a sleepover with just me so that was pretty exciting for her.

We watched Cinderella, some Scooby Doo movie where the gang was vacationing in Australia and then decide they should go to a vampire music festival, Milo and Otis, Pippi Longstocking (my favorite!), and finally a few painful episodes of Dora the Explorer ("Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!!!" Ugh.)

It's easy to see how kids end up being baby-sat by TV. I was exhausted and letting her watch TV and movies kept her happy and entertained...We DID do other stuff, though, so I don't feel TOO guilty.

Violyt was obsessed with the wallpaper picture on my iMac. It's a picture of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn from The Tudors (still in love with that show - gotta get season 3!). She kept asking who the "pretty girl" was. I'm no good at talking down or lying to kids so I told her all about how he married the king and then he chopped her head off because she didn't have a baby boy. She was fascinated...She begged me to let her watch that part of the show, but even though I'm not the most perfect baby-sitter, I DO have common sense!

It was pretty cute...seemed to like saying "Anne Boleyn" - she'd ask, "what's that girl's name again?" and I'd tell her and then she'd say it. After about the 200th time, I told her she already knew and prompted her with "Anne...." and she'd say, "Anne Boleyn!" in her adorable little girl way. I wish I had recorded her saying it - what's more adorable than the cutest 4-year-old ever proudly saying, "That's Anne Boleyn - she had her head chopped off!!!"

My little cousins make me happy. :)

It hurts.

2009-10-09T07:51:00.000-05:00

A lot.

A really whole lot.

I miss you, Daddy.

On and On...

2009-10-08T13:50:00.002-05:00

Listen to this...You can watch it too, if you want. The listening is the important part, though.

Wilco - "On and On and On..."

It starts at about 30 seconds in...

Happy Birthday, Pat Gustafson!

2009-10-07T01:31:00.005-05:00

My dad should've been 54 today.

I miss him.

So much.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Dad - I wish you well...I hope it didn't - and doesn't - hurt too much. I'm sure you're being brave regardless. Please try to understand that I'm doing my very best. I love you - forever and ever.

I'll always be there when you wake...

2009-10-04T03:11:00.003-05:00

Hello World.

The nights are the hardest.

I remember nights spent at the hospital just 6 short months ago.

The hospital gets dark and quiet at night, but it never stops breathing.

A new nurse would take over for the last. She was never the same. Some were memorable, mostly for being particularly kind and caring. It was always a "she."

While my dad was turned and cleaned and adjusted for the night, I'd drift around the sleeping hospital in my pajamas and socks. I never felt under-dressed at the hospital. I would eat popsicles from the freezer at the nurses' station and pace the quiet hallways, always respecting my dad's privacy.

I knew that's what he'd want. He said so until he could no longer say anything, but I still respected him.

By the time the nurse was done, I would be outside his room waiting. I'd hope they didn't hurt him, that he was comfortable, that he'd sleep peacefully.

He was always uncomfortable afterward, though, I think.

The sounds he made...

He was always a loud sleeper, especially prone to snoring.

His snoring comforted me. His snoring was a sound I grew up with. A sound that meant "home."

The sounds he made in the hospital were different. They were sounds nobody should ever have to hear.

They were sounds that still haunt me.

It was not quite moaning, not quite gasping...

It was a sound that could drive a person to madness.

I'd sit beside my dad's bed and find something on TV to watch - HGTV or Law and Order or a news channel. I'd talk to him randomly about whatever it was.

They said he probably heard me, probably knew I was there, probably felt comforted by that.

I'd lie my head next to him and place his large, warm arm around my small, tired neck.

I didn't cry. Not out loud.

I'd set the sleep timer on the TV then arrange the little bed I slept in - a vinyl-c0vered chair that fully reclined. I had itchy hospital blankets and a pillow made of plastic that would get a large air bubble if I lied my head on it without thinking.

I would eventually fall into a deep sleep. A deep sleep filled with vivid dreams that I don't remember.

I'd usually wake with the hospital, feeling clammy and exhausted.

One morning I woke to my dad's voice frantically calling for me. His oxygen tube had come out of his nose and he gasped for air, for the less labored breathing that the tube that rested on his mustache provided him. I helped him and he asked for one of his best friends, Barry. I told him it was 6 AM, Barry wasn't there yet, that I would get him. I teased him for thinking that the rest of the world woke as early as he always had. I called Barry. I told him my dad was calling for him and I asked him to come - he was on his way.

I asked him if he had dreams. He said he kind of did. He couldn't explain what he meant. I didn't ask.

The nights got worse.

My dad would take a gasp of a breath then...pause...I'd count. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10...11...finally - another gasp for air....then more counting.

As I lied with my head resting beside my dad, I'd say, "Don't forget to breathe, Dad."

During his last night, one of the best nurses asked me why I said that. I told her I didn't know...I told her I didn't know what else to say. She gently reminded me that he was suffering, that he would die.

I told her I didn't know what else to say.

I didn't tell her that I didn't want him to die, that I was scared, that I wanted to SCREAM it at him, that I needed my daddy to remember to breathe because I NEEDED him to live.

She told me to tell him I loved him, to tell him happy memories.

I told him I loved him over and over again. I practically begged him to tell me that he loved me too. I think he did. I'm not sure.

I hate that I'm not sure, that I can't hear it the way I can hear the awful, painful sounds he made.

I didn't cry. Not out loud.

I talked and talked. I told him that the Obama family had gotten a dog, that there were Somali pirates, that Tiger Woods didn't win, that MN still couldn't settle on a senator. When I ran out of things to say, I listed all the places he'd been. Japan, Australia, Battle Creek, Thailand, Hong Kong, Memphis, Disney World, France, Colombia, New Zealand, Idaho...on and on.

They were our nights. Me and my daddy. Just us.

I liked that.

When he died, it did not feel like he simply fell asleep. He was too quiet. For 15 minutes, I held his dead hand. My hand, so small in his. I felt it go cold. I told him I loved him forever and ever.

I didn't cry. Not out loud.

4:15 PM on 4/15/09. He was 53.

I hope he knew I was there. I hope it comforted him.

I hope he knows how much I love him.

I wish he could help me sleep now. I wish I could feel the weight of his arm around my tired neck. I wish I could re-live each and every one of those painful nights. I wish I could know he's not suffering anymore. I wish I could rest in peace.

I hope that he'll forgive me for crying. Out loud.

"On and On and On" by Jeff Tweedy

2009-10-01T00:32:00.003-05:00

I usually hate when people just post random lyrics as a blog entry, but sometimes Jeff Tweedy says it much better than me...

On and on and on we’ll stay together yeah
On and on and on we’ll be together yeah
You and I will try to stay together yeah
On and on and on we’ll be together yeah

Please don’t cry we’re designed to die
Don’t deny what’s inside
On and on and on we’ll stay together yeah
On and on and on

One day we’ll disappear together in a dream
However short or long our lives are going to be
I will live in you or you will live in me
Until we disappear together in a dream

Please don’t cry we’re designed to die
You can’t deny even the gentlest tide
On and on and on we’ll be together yeah
On and on and on
On and on and on
We’re going to try

Please don’t cry
This world of words and meanings makes you feel
outside
Something that you feel already
deep inside
You’ve denied
Go ahead and cry

On and on and on we’ll stay together yeah
On and on and on
On and on and on

You and I will stay together yeah
You and I will try to make it better yeah

From Wilco's Sky Blue Sky album, words by Jeff Tweedy

Life on Planet Amy

2009-09-08T22:16:00.002-05:00

Hello world,

It's over a week into September.

How is that possible?

I don't like it...

It's going to be Halloween before I know it and then I'll be old (29) and hating the holidays and by the time I realize it, it'll be 2010!

Maybe that's not such a BAD thing, though...

Time heals all wounds, right?

Right???

Right.

Life's ok these days.

No, I do NOT have a job yet - thanks for asking, though. I know you mean well. I'm getting by so no need to worry.

I guess that's about all...I'm drinking wine (Fish Eye's Cabernet Sauvignon - quite classy!) and listening to the Juno soundtrack. My mom's here - she is sewing - and Bailey is sleeping (with an occasional bark at the crazy chihuahua 2 houses down.)

What I was Loving a Year Ago

2009-08-20T10:06:00.006-05:00

My awesome dinosaur painting -

The mighty,
the ferocious,
the robust,
the thunderous....

the Thesaurus Rex!

3 Things: 3 Things I'm Currently Loving

2009-08-20T09:56:00.006-05:00

1. The Mazda Trois

2. The Tudors on DVD

3. My yellow sweat pants from Old Navy - I got them a long time ago so no picture, but I'm wearing them right now and they are very soft and comfortable - and they have a drawstring so they don't fall off. Gotta love that.

So sweet...

2009-08-20T09:39:00.004-05:00

Aren't they just the sweetest little things?

I was watching them while we had a garage sale at my cousin's house earlier this summer.

I left them on the front porch for, like, 5 minutes (maybe it was closer to 30...or 45....whatever) and came out to find them in costume and about to battle it out over some stupid plate. I doubt either of them had ever noticed it before, but they both HAD to have it...

Once I started taking pictures, the plate was forgotten - probably forever.

I love them. :)

Personality Analysis via Facebook

2009-08-12T11:07:00.011-05:00

I took the "What's Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type?" quiz on Facebook so I have no question that it is entirely scientific and accurate (that's me being sarcastic), but anyway, here's my result:

Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception

You are idealistic, loyal to your values
and to people who are important to you.

You want an external life that
is congruent with your values.

You are curious, quick to see possibilities,
and can be a catalyst for implementing ideas.

You seek to understand people and
to help them fulfill their potential.

You are adaptable, flexible, and accepting -
unless a value is threatened.

Famous people with your same INFP personality include:
Mary the Blessed Virgin, Hellen Keller,
William Shakespeare, John F. Kennedy Jr.,
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Julia Roberts.

What do you think? Does that sound like me?

By the way, I was surprised to discover that the Blessed Virgin Mary took this quiz...

My blog's been a wee bit depressing lately....

2009-08-12T10:01:00.001-05:00

....but there is a lot to love about my life.

3 Months

2009-07-15T15:42:00.007-05:00

The text is kinda small...It says:

Dear Dad,

Well, it's been 3 months. I'm getting by - it's hard, but I'm happy, overall. I know that's what you'd want - I guess that makes it easier.

Yesterday I wrote the speech I'll give at your burial. I don't know how I feel about fumbling through another speech in front of the gazillion people who love you, but I'll do my best.

My little cousin Lydia asks about you a lot. You never met her and I don't know why she's so curious about you, but it is really sweet. She loves looking at old pictures of you - she says you were "very handsome!" - and she's decided her favorite band is the Beatles. She and I often dance to "I'll Follow the Sun" and "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da."

I talked to Barry yesterday. He misses you too. Everybody does, of course...I think I do the most, though.

Love you, miss you,
Amy

Life goes on.

Too tired to sleep

2009-07-06T01:26:00.002-05:00

I'm exhausted. Very, very exhausted. The kind of exhausted that keeps me from being able to fall asleep.

No good.

I went up north to the cabin Saturday morning and got home around 8 tonight - a short, but fun mini-vacation. The weather was perfect and I watched fireworks for the first time in....a long time. Lots of running around with my little cousins, swimming, fetch with Bailey (who is happy to get in the water and show off his doggy paddle this year!), grilling, tubing (none for me - I just went along for the ride), a bit of bocce ball, and sparklers!

It was a good time, but all that time running around in the sun really exhausted me (I can be redundant because I am tired.) There were LOTS more people around than I am used to up there - I think that wore me out too. I get overwhelmed when things are chaotic and I don't really get the chance to recharge.

Life is weird...I've been going to the cabin pretty much my whole life. It feels exactly the same, but totally different at the same time. It's changed a lot - the cabin, the neighbors, the lake, the town...there's MORE of everything.

My little cousins are growing up so fast. People always say that about kids, but I have only recently realized just how true it is. I remember being up there when my cousin was pregnant with the oldest kid - he's 8 1/2 now. A few years ago, he fell off the dock - it was near shore and he didn't get hurt or anything, but he was scared and cried and cried...Now I can throw him in the lake and he laughs - then runs back on the dock and pushes me in.

My life is totally opposite of my cousin's. She's living "The American Dream" and I'm...just me. I'm not at all surprised that we turned out so differently, but it still feels kind of weird sometimes. As often as I feel like a part of the family, I feel like a total outsider. Always welcome, but odd...

I can't find the right words to describe it.

It's not bad. Just odd. Sometimes.

Thursday Review: Picnik

2009-07-02T07:29:00.009-05:00

If you use Flickr, then you've probably heard of Picnik (that little button above your photo that says "EDIT PHOTO" will take you there). I used the free version via Flickr for a wee bit, liked the interface, and noticed that there were several features that sounded really cool, but weren't available without the $24.95 premium subscription (1 year). After getting VERY frustrated with Photoshop so many times, I decided that was a reasonable cost! I haven't used it a TON yet, but I decided it was worth a review!

Who: Piknik

What: Online photo-editing software

Price: Free for standard features, $24.95 for a year of the premium version

Where: Flickr or www.picnik.com

Why: Definitely worth checking out for all the fun features - and it is so much easier to use than Photoshop!

Pros:

Cool artsy effects and touch-up features like teeth whiten and blemish remover (listed on the "Create" page)
Nothing to download
It is very CUTE!
Far less complicated than Photoshop - and I prefer the interface to PhotoshopExpress
Integrated with Flickr
Easy to use with Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Picasa, Webs, Webshots, Photobucket, and more
Fullscreen capability (although this mode disables keyboard shortcuts)
All the changes you make are saved

Cons:

A downloadable version would be nice - lots of uploading your photos for editing, downloading to print, uploading to printing website like Shutterfly
The Flash interface can be a wee bit annoying
It can take a relatively long time for photos to load
$24.95 is a reasonable price, but assuming I want to continue using it, next year at this time, it'll have costed me $50...a one-time fee would be preferable.
As I edited photos, I expected the changes to save within Picnik, but they are only saved to the version you actually save to your computer or whatever
You have to save each photo before editing the next

More things worth mentioning:

Firefox add-on available here
You can send your Picnik-editied images to QOOP for prints - I'm not familiar with QOOP, but it looks pretty cool and the prices and products available are comparable to other sites (although I'd rather be able to pick up my photos from Target than pay for shipping and wait for them to be mailed to me)...I'd be more likely to try QOOP if they had some deal for signing up - like 25 free prints!
You can also easily print from home from the site
The "stickers" and "text" features seem perfect for simple digital scrapbooking

My rating:

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ - I really like how fun and easy picnik is to use, but I have to give it 3 stars because I'd really like to be able to send my images directly to a site for printing that has in-store pick up. I also think that I'd rather be able to download the software and use it off-line. Try the free features and if y0u like it, I definitely recommend the $24.95 subscription.

To my dad.

2009-06-21T19:46:00.006-05:00

In case the text is too small to read, it says:

Dad,

never thought I could handle missing somebody as much as I miss you...every single day. I like to think you are watching over me, even though I know you’d tell me that is silly.

I hope you miss me too...I also hope you are proud of me and forgive me for all the times I was stubborn or didn’t answer your calls or call you back.

I hope you know that I was with you till the very end and that I would not have wanted it any other way.

Rest in peace, Dad. I promise that I am doing my best. I love you forever and ever.

Love,
Amy

Happy Father's Day.

Zoinks

2009-06-17T20:05:00.003-05:00

Hi from Buffalo...and my cousin's really annoying computersauraus with its whopping 448 MB of RAM and its blazing fast DSL connection.

I've been hanging out here since yesterday, helping her out with a garage sale. I agreed to contribute some junk and help watch the kids and whatever, assuming that a garage sale in the middle of no where would be pretty quiet...

Not so much.

There were people lined up to buy our junk at 7 AM today! People just kept coming...It quieted down for a wee bit around lunch time, but then it was non-stop people again till after 5. I have no idea how much money we made, but I'm guessing the toal is well over $500. I didn't bring much stuff - mostly just some clothes, books, and a few old board games - but even I made over $50. Not bad...

It's been pretty annoying, though. I really wanted to get my resume submitted and work on my Linked In profile that I set up a while ago, but never really did anything with; however, this computer goes sooooo slow and my cousin kept needing me to run outside so I kept getting logged out and/or forgetting what I was doing and having to start over. Not a very productive day...

Most of the family is off watching Payton play baseball - it's just me and the girls here now. We made art projects and then they started watching an old Scooby Doo movie (starring the Harlem Globetrotters!) so I came up here to try and work on my resume, but wrote this instead. The movie must have ended because I can hear them arguing downstairs - guess I better go find something else for them to do....

Music to Grieve by....

2009-06-04T20:53:00.005-05:00

Choosing the music for my dad's funeral was a very big deal to me. My dad loved music and hated funerals; thus, it had to be perfect.

And I think it was.

"The road is long,
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where,
Who knows when
But I'm strong"

The funeral opened with "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" by the Hollies. Not a song I was familiar with, but one that meant a lot to my uncle (my dad's little brother) and also my mom. I guess it was one of my dad's favorites back in the 70's. I have come to like it a lot.

"And now the time has come,
so my love I must go"

The next song was the end of my eulogy - "I'll Follow the Sun" by the Beatles. It's one of my favorite songs ever. It is sad but it is so full of hope and love.

"Fare you well, fare you well,
I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs,
to rock my soul"

The song I picked for the "quiet reflection" was "Brokedown Palace" by the Grateful Dead (don't tell my Gramma...I think I have her convinced it is one of the "later hymns"...)

Pastor Jack was a Dead-Head! When I met with him before the funeral, I was telling him the music I picked and got to this song and started to think maybe a Priest wouldn't really approve of the Grateful Dead for whatever reason...So, I was, like, "Um....it's a nice song...very pretty...about 5 minutes long...it's..about a river...it's...um...called...um...'Brokedown Palace'..." He responded by SINGING it to me then telling me that he's see the Dead 30 times or something! Awesome...

Anyway.

"Though I know I'll never lose affection,
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them,
In my life I love you more..."

The funeral ended with "There Are Places I Remember" by the Beatles. I picked it mostly for the way it FEELS rather than the lyrics (although I love the lyrics too). It makes me think of love and friendship and happy memories...it's sort of wistful, but again, it has that element of hope that makes me feel better...

I just checked my thesaurus for a better word than "hope." Faith jumped out at me...

Interesting.

Gone Fishing

2009-06-04T20:24:00.009-05:00

This is the verse we chose for the cards at my dad's funeral. We thought we ordered too many cards, but they were ALL gone within the first 5 minutes of the visitation. I read the verse during my eulogy and also included it in the many many many thank you cards we've sent...I'm thinking a lot about my dad this week so I thought I'd post it here:

Gone Fishing

Don’t grieve for me, I’ve gone fishing
Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
My life’s been very full
Now I’m free to enjoy it all
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief
But remember me with a twinkle in my eye
I’m not far away
I’ve gone fishing.

Love you, Dad....forever and ever.

I love Sesame Street...and counting to the number 4.

2009-05-25T07:36:00.001-05:00

1, 2, 3, 4...

I might as well live...

2009-05-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

“Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.”

The Breakfast Club

2009-05-08T00:49:00.003-05:00

Just in case you didn't think I have enough lame t-shirts...

Pictures

2009-05-07T00:29:00.001-05:00

Lots of new-old pictures on Flickr tonight...

The newest addition to my awesome wardrobe...

2009-05-06T02:02:00.003-05:00

I've always been more of a cole slaw girl...

2009-05-06T01:42:00.002-05:00

...but this makes me want potato salad!

http://thefunnypage.com/potato-sisters/

It's the little things that make life just a wee bit easier...

Woot!

2009-05-05T07:42:00.003-05:00

I'm in love with shirt.woot!. The images above are all t-shirts I've gotten from them. Pretty awesome, huh?

Book thing....

2009-05-03T22:37:00.002-05:00

I was "tagged" on Facebook to do this Q&A thing and I'm ready to blog about something that doesn't make me cry so here goes -

1) What author do you own the most books by?
Kurt Vonnegut

2) What book do you own the most copies of?
I can't think of any that I have more than one of.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
Nope.

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Mark Renton from Trainspotting.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life?
I will guess The Monster at the End of This Book, starring Grover.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
Pippi in the South Seas

7) What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
I have not been reading much in the past year...probably something about project management or software development.

8) What is the best book you've read in the past year?
Art Journals and Creative Healing: Restoring the Spirit Through Self-Expression or The 4 Hour Work Week

9)If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
I don't plan on "tagging" anybody, but I think everybody should read 1984.

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for literature?
I have no idea who has won it in the past or what the criteria are, but I love David Sedaris so I'll say him.

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
Eh...Maybe Porno, if it had the same cast as Trainspotting.

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
I don't really care - I hardly ever watch movies.

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
I don't think I've ever had a dream of that sort.

14) What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?
I don't read grocery store trash. (I still have the pretentious English major in me!)

15) What is the most difficult book you've ever read?
The first that comes to mind is Tender Buttons by Gertrude Stein.

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?
Pericles, Prince of Tyre - just try and get more obscure than THAT.

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
I liked Anna Karenina more than Madame Bovary...

18) Roth or Updike?
No opinion - haven't read either.

19) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
David Sedaris - Eggers can come up with a good title and write a decent introduction, but then...zzzzzzzzz...

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
This is a dumb question - they are totally different with no grounds for comparison.

21) Austen or Eliot?
T.S. Eliot or George Eliot? It doesn't really matter - I'm not particularly fond of any of them.

22) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
I haven't read a novel in over a year. I listen to audio books and read non-fiction...I don't know if I'll go back to reading tons of fiction or not and either way, I'm not embarrassed about my reading habits.

23) What is your favorite novel?
Gone With The Wind

24) Play?
King Lear or All My Sons, if you're in the mood to kill yourself

25) Poem?
Ummm...I guess "America" by Ginnsberg

26) Essay?
I'm not really sure what counts as an "essay" and the definition in my dictionary of literary terms looked long and boring so I'll just say "6 to 8 Black Men" by David Sedaris.

27) Short story?
"The Story of the Old Ram" by Mark Twain

28) Work of non-fiction?
Me Talk Pretty One Day, assuming that counts?

29) Who is your favorite writer?
Irvine Welsh, Kurt Vonnegut, Margaret Atwood, Ernie Hemingway, David Sedaris, Tim O'Brien, Shannon Olson

30) Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
Augusten Burroughs...he's ok, but people seem to really like him and I just don't get it.

31) What is your desert island book?
The Sex Lives of Cannibals: Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific by J. Maarten Troost - it's quite funny and seems applicable.

32) And ... what are you reading right now?
Alphabetica: An A-Z Creativity Guide for Collage and Book Artists

I wish...

2009-05-03T01:39:00.001-05:00

I wish...

...it didn't hurt so much.

I'm tired of being strong.

I'm TIRED.

Comfort a'la Winnie the Pooh

2009-05-02T03:30:00.001-05:00

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.

{Amy_Jane}

Happy Birthday, Dad...

Mill Inn Bed & Breakfast, Bend Oregon

My nearly finished Daybreak Shawl!

RIP, Lucy: April 29, 1998 – June 3, 2011

Too pretty for Monday...

Is it the weekend YET??

Fun with Stormtroopers!!!

I blog; therefore, I am.

Kick Darth Vader

Happy Little Trees

This is just awesome.

Friday, Friday, Gotta Fill In on Friday

I don't match.

Pinterest

Saturday is the new Friday

Remembering The Before Time

Friday, Friday, Friday!!!!

A Day in my Life...2008

Around my neck everyday...

Friday...more or less...

30 days of thirtiness

When I grow up...

Friiiiiiiday....

I have a very depressing blog...

2010

Pillows are Creeps

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Au Naturale.

In Loving Memory

Another Friday Fill-In!

A Good Enough Place to Start

Another Friday Fill-In!

Friday Fill-In!!!

how i spent 3 hours of my weekend...

On this day in history, 2005...

My New New Normal and the 101 Things of Amy Jane

Friday Fill-In - 9/3/10

Long time, no blog

Another Friday Fill-In (Finally!)

Kids Tend to Love Me...

I have a funny feeling....

Friday Fill-In...on Friday!

Tuesday is the new Friday

Friday Fill-in...on Tuesday...

Maybe a Flicker is Good Enough.

Nothing should be this painful.

New Pictures on Flickr!

Hello...world....!

Check it out, yo...it's AWESOME

I still exist! I swear!!!

...and way back when...

Happy Valentine's Day! {now}

Thank you!

Sigh....I miss my daddy...

So yeah.

This is why writing matters.

Random Thoughts

New stuff and updates on BC7ATE9!

Why on Earth don't I own this???!!!

A *Spark*

Is it time to wake up....or time to go to bed?

Yep

Life is sketchy at the moment.

Sometimes, day turns into night and then it is day again.

Is there anybody who grew up in the 80's who didn't want Punky's treehouse?

Meet my new blog...

2009

Screw New Year's.

4 Years Ago

Yarrrrr

New profile picture!

It's been a while....

It hurts.

On and On...

Happy Birthday, Pat Gustafson!

I'll always be there when you wake...

"On and On and On" by Jeff Tweedy

Life on Planet Amy

What I was Loving a Year Ago

A Spark