Thursday, January 31, 2008
I've had better.
Jim gave me a ride home.
He's really nice to me.
I'm not sure why.
I shouldn't question it.
He also enjoys trying to provoke me.
He says he doesn't know why.
It doesn't really bother me.
It's kinda the little game we play - I think he likes it cause I get it.
Hanging out with Jim this summer was really fun.
Soccer games, bandy, motorcycle rides, happy hours, the State Fair, deep dish pizza from Pizza Hut, lunch at the Local...
Not sure why I'm feeling so nostalgic about all that.
It was fun.
I got a new cell phone.
I only have about 3 numbers memorized and the only numbers that they were able to get off my wine-soaked, Bailey-chewed phone were ones I don't want.
So call or text me or something.
It's a Samsung - it just came out last week.
Stu-the-Scot says I should come to New Zealand.
I want to go to New Zealand.
Life is hard, but life is good.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Boring is ok, though - it was a crazy month...
I think Jordan hated me liking him. I don't think I was enough of a challenge.
We were talking at Pizza Luce a couple weeks ago and he told me that he wants what he can't have. I was supposed to play games with his head and make him think I didn't like him so that he'd like me.
He quickly told me to forget he said that...I guess I was supposed to know that but pretend that I didn't.
That's way too complicated for me. I act on impulse and emotion - definitely not always a good thing and I try to be conscious of that so I can control it - but in the end, it's me...I'm sensitive, I like being a girlfriend, I try to be nice, I want to be open and honest.
I trusted Jordan. He liked me so much at first. I let myself get too attached. I got hurt. When I tried to avoid that, he was upset. Making other people feel bad tends to make me feel awful...so I was nice...
Which brings me back to Jordan hating that I liked him.
That's his choice and I hope he ends up happy.
I'm surprised I'm not feeling more sad and hurt, but after all that drama yesterday and thinking more about Jordan's personality and our relationship dynamics...I just don't feel much of anything.
Anyway, I'm hanging out with Jim tonight and that makes me happy.
It is way too cold outside.
I have a cute new hoodie.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my boss today, but she rescheduled for Thursday.
I want to go to New Zealand and hang out with Scottish Stu and his adorable accent.
I am really annoyed by motivational posters.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I need to stop procrastinating.
An idle mind is a devil's workshop.
At the same time, I was grateful for a real explanation finally.
He was mad at me, though. Still is, I guess. He doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong.
I don't know...to ME it seems wrong to tell your girlfriend you love her, talk her out of ending things when she starts to get bad feelings, let her believe you want things to work out, abruptly end things when she least expects it...all while in love with another girl. A girl you swore you didn't have *those* kinds of feelings for...
But what do I know?
I know I would not like myself if I did that to somebody.
I know I'd feel like I did something wrong.
When Jordan told me he didn't want to see me anymore (online, 4 hours after spending the night and next afternoon with me, sleeping with me, and telling me he loved me...), I told him I hated him.
I don't want to hate anybody, I don't hate him in general - I never could...but at that moment, yes, I despised him.
He made sure his audience knew THAT...but forgot to mention all the kind, sweet, loving things I did...and all the pressure he put on me, all the times he made me feel guilty and inadequate, all the times he was selfish and self-involved.
I'm not perfect. Not even close.
But I'm not an awful, hateful, angry, hurtful person. I know that.
From his perspective, I'm "relentlessly" spewing hatred at him.
I almost wish I *could* do that. It sounds kinda therapeutic.
Instead, I hurt, he feels nothing (or nothing he cares to share with me and only seems to pop up when convenient.) I feel guilty, he makes me sound pathetic. I find out something that kills me inside, he is angry that I invaded his privacy.
I repeatedly tried to tell him that I wanted him OUT of my life, I wanted to forget him, I was de-Jordaning my life...EVERY time he told me not to say that, it hurt him, he didn't want that...So I stayed.
I set myself up to be hurt and I was.
I told him I hate myself for that, but that hurts him too. Another thing I am not allowed to say.
(But there are no rules!)
In retrospect, I think he wanted me to fit a very strange mold. Care about him - but not too much! Have my own life - but don't let it interfere with his! Say and do all the right things - but there are no rules!
I would have continued to try because that's what I do, but I would have failed and failed and failed.
I can't say I don't care about him, but he said some really hurtful things. Granted, they were not meant for me to read...but if that's how he felt, he could have told me. A hurtful explanation is better than no explanation.
He (in his exasperated way) assured me that he DID genuinely care about me and respected me...
But what difference does it make?
I don't feel as upset by all of this as you might imagine. This is closure. I really am anxious to move on.
He hurt me in so many ways. He's smart enough to know what he was doing. He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough (until I tried to leave). He didn't get me a birthday present. He is messed up and defensive and closed off to letting anybody in. Nothing I ever did was right.
I'm not happy...but this truly is a move in the right direction. I have a sense of relief.
He's not a good person, not somebody I need in my life, nobody I would benefit from having as a friend.
I feel terrible for saying that - he's just not a good person for ME, I don't need him in MY life, I don't doubt that lots of people DO benefit from his friendship.
Who was your Best friend(s)?
What sport did you play?
I barely even participated in Phy Ed.
Did you buy your lunch?
No...I ate a lot of junk food and Deonna gave me her chocolate milk.
Not till 10th grade.
Did you get suspended/expelled?
What was your favorite class?
Ummm...Algebra? Deonna and I drove our poor old math teacher insane, I think.
What was your schools name?
North View Jr. High
Did you go to the dances?
I went to the "9th grade formal" - it was a phy ed requirement after our dance unit. I wore tennis shoes and a flannel shirt over my dress. It was in the middle of the day and I don't recall doing any actual dancing.
If you could go back would you?
Nope...I have zero desire to relive the silliness of high school.
Where did you sit at lunch?
At a table with Nick, Paul, Deonna, and Bill-something-or-other???
Who was your science teacher?
Who was your English teacher
Who was your history teacher?
We called it social studies and it was Mr Nielsen with his ever-sweaty arm pits...ewe.
Who was your math teacher?
Did you think you were cool?
I sure did. Deonna and I even made "business cards" that said ow cool we were.
Describe your outfits ninth grade?
Jeans and t-shirts. Nothing trendy or outrageous...
Did you use to do prank calls?
All the time.
Did you even have a cellphone?
My dad had one and we called it a car phone and I assumed it meant he was really important.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
"It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them...It's the break-up rule..."I like watching Sex and the City on DVD. It depresses me to some extent - living in the suburbs, not having sex - but mostly I find it amusing and I can relate to it. Well, besides their endless disposable incomes and their ability to walk outside and get a date with a random guy - those elements are a little hard for me to grasp...
Anyway, I've decided The Break-Up Rule will be my plan/formula for getting over Jordan.
- I met him November 10th.
- We were *officially together* November 13th. (and it didn't work out...who'd have guessed??!!)
- We officially broke up around December 30th.
- We tried to be friends/dated till January 21st.
Thus, I will be over him in roughly 37 days. That brings me to approximately March 1st.
On March 1st, 2008, I will be over Jordan Anderson.
I'm not sure what exactly the "getting over" part entails. Should I avoid seeing him? Talking to him? Communicating with him in any way?
That feels extreme, but perhaps necessary. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to stop caring about somebody when they are still a part of your life.
I'm guessing he'd be fine with that - he hasn't showed much emotion at all. I'd like to believe he is hiding it or repressing it or something, but either way, I don't see him breaking down my door to see me because he misses me (or calling or sending me a text message...) He says he wants us to be friends, but I think that is largely due to his need to be liked by everybody.
It's so weird how quickly he changed. He ADORED me...
Maybe I'm naive? Maybe there were warning signs all over?
Maybe it just doesn't matter.
I really cared about him and respected him - I wish things could have gone differently. (I just decided that part of the "getting over" will be converting my thoughts about Jordan to the past tense.)
We decided today that he would come over here on Monday to get a few of his things and give me back the stuff of mine he has. My initial thought was that I wanted it OVER and QUICKLY. That made him mad (he said I was malicious!) so I agreed to stick with the initial plan.
However, he doesn't have anything of immediate importance to me - just some books and clothes - so I'm thinking I should tell him to forget it. If he wants his stuff - also nothing of immediate importance - I can leave it in my garage or something. We don't have to see each other - an even quicker method of getting this whole thing over with, really.
I guess I will think about that some more.
This is going to be a very difficult 37 days. One day at a time, I guess.
A related thought: I hate Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
this evening i watched season 3 of Sex and the City on DVD. I am
feeling anti-social. I feel bad about that. i'm usually so open, but
i have totally been shutting people out. I think it's one of the
long-term effects of Jordan. he made me so tense and guarded all the
time. sometimes i think i'm afraid of my own shadow. sigh. i don't
want to say i regret anything, but there is a part of me that wishes
i'd never met him. :(
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I'm having trouble getting anything done at work. First of all, the project I am working on is complicated and complex and often makes little to no sense to me. Second, it is FREEZING in the Test Lab. Like, I-can't-feel-my-hands FREEZING. Third, I'm thinking about Jordan and how cute he looked in that black t-shirt of his and how sweet he could be and how happy he made me and other things that I was totally prepared to never think about again.
Another one of those things that a bottle of wine will do to you.
I have no idea what else to say about that.
I'm eating Traditional-flavored Chex Mix.
Monday, January 14, 2008
There's not much else to be said about that.
I saw Sweeney Todd Saturday night. I liked it.
Hung out with Jim on Sunday. It was fun.
Went to Rodia's for dinner and hung out for a while. That was fun too.
Nic flew in from FL on Friday. He's been hanging around here - no sign of him today, though.
I feel quite drained.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
...is at the Park & Ride. Hopefully. They say "No overnight parking!" and I parked there overnight...so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is still there! It seems unlikely that they'd tow it after just one night. I wonder if I'll have a ticket? It doesn't say anything about "No overnight parking or we'll give you a fine!" so that seems unlikely too...I looked on the Metro Transit web site and there's no information about it besides "No overnight parking!" so it must not be a very common issue...I was hoping to ride home with my neighbor/co-worker/friend Joanne just in case it's not there, but she's out today. I was thinking about hanging out downtown after work, but now I feel anxious and just want to get to my car so I think I will just go home. I want to leave soon, but since I was late today due to some issues getting gas, I feel guilty!
It'll be fine...
My day consisted of meetings, Pot Belly (mmmmm), Target, and more meetings. My brain feels a little fried. That and my anxiety about my car is leaving me quite unproductive. I may just head home and get some work done from there tonight; or, work a long day tomorrow - probably both. Lots to do. I like it, though.
My friend's brother-in-law is going to be on Oprah this Monday. He apparently lost more than 140 pounds over the past year on some Proper Noun diet. That's like one and a half of me.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
I'm at work...I've been in meetings all morning and I have one more this afternoon. Lots to do for my current project. We are scheduled to begin System Testing next week, but we'll see.
John M. came over last night - he brought me Cold Stone and we watched TV. I was tired. I fell asleep for about a half hour - I'm a bad hostess...
He and I hung out a lot last summer. We have fun and he's really nice...We don't "click," though. There are plenty of reasons why, but for me it's largely the "nice-ness." "Nice" guys + Amy just don't mesh well. I feel bad about that sometimes because I think he feels otherwise...is it fair to keep being his friend? Would it be better to stop talking to him? Although, I don't think it's my "responsibility" to worry about that - it's his decisison...I tend to be pretty open and honest naturally and I definitely would be if he brought it up directly so I don't feel like I'm leading him on or anything like that.
I hereby declare it a non-issue.
My cat woke me up at 3:30 this morning and I think I only half-slept till my alarm went off. I'm feeling kinda sleepy at the moment even though I just finished a can of Red Bull (sugar free, of course.)
I have to call my gramma, my mother, Rodia; prepare for my meeting this afternoon; write emails to Chris L. and Alina; respond to work emails I should've responded to a week ago; call the Help Desk; do a recognition thing for my vendor partners; figure out my goals and development plan for 2008; and all my normal project-related work.
Making that list may SEEM like procrastinating, but I'm actually on lunch so it's not. So there.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Jordan called today. We talked for almost a half hour. It was nice - friendly and casual. I think we can be friends...I don't have any illusions about getting back together or anything - that helps. We'll see.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BAILEY!!!!
My baby is a year old today! They grow up so fast...
Work was good today. I bought a couple of bottles of wine on the way home (it's been like the freaking prohibition in my house lately and it IS Bailey's birthday!) Other Amy is coming over soon. There's a really old episode of Law and Order: SVU on USA right now. I'm not really watching it. I'm glad I wasn't molested when I was a little girl. I'd let Detective Stabler have his way with my Constitutional rights any day.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
1 A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.
2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
5 It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
6 For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.
7 Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad; and a gift destroyeth the heart.
8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
9 Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
10 Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not inquire wisely concerning this.
11 Wisdom is good with an inheritance: and by it there is profit to them that see the sun.
12 For wisdom is a defense, and money is a defense: but the excellency of knowledge is, that wisdom giveth life to them that have it.
13 Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked?
14 In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him.
15 All things have I seen in the days of my vanity: there is a just man that perisheth in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man that prolongeth his life in his wickedness.
16 Be not righteous over much, neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?
17 Be not over much wicked, neither be thou foolish: why shouldest thou die before thy time?
18 It is good that thou shouldest take hold of this; yea, also from this withdraw not thine hand: for he that feareth God shall come forth of them all.
19 Wisdom strengtheneth the wise more than ten mighty men which are in the city.
20 For there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not.
21 Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear thy servant curse thee:
22 for oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others.
23 All this have I proved by wisdom: I said, I will be wise; but it was far from me.
24 That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?
25 I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things, and to know the wickedness of folly, even of foolishness and madness:
26 and I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her.
27 Behold, this have I found, saith the Preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account;
28 which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.
29 Lo, this only have I found, that God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions.
I feel so FREE today! This is the first weekend in a very long time that I've gotten to do whatever I want. No holidays, no events, no responsibilities...
I woke up, did some laundry, changed my sheets, my friend Ryan N. came over, he and I went shopping (he let me pick out my own birthday/Christmas presents - it was fun!), we went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant, ran some more random errands, he went to go watch football with his buddies and I did a bit more shopping - I just got home about 15 minutes ago and I'm not sure how I will spend the rest of my night.
That's a nice feeling.
Jordan says he needs space - i.e. I am not supposed to call, text, or email him. That's fine - and easier that I expected - but I do miss that boy like crazy. I'd forgotten what it was like to want to puke every time I see a heart or a Valentine display or anything red.
Nic wants me to fly to FL so I can road trip back to MN with him. The last time I road tripped to FL I very clearly remember saying, "From now on I am FLYING." I meant it, too. I am a little tempted, though. I can get a 1-way ticket for around $90, I would love to hang out with the FL gang, I love Nic and I know we'd have a super fun time...
BUT, everything costs money and the timing is not great because of my new project at work and I'd have to find a Bailey-sitter and take care of the cats...
So, we'll see.
Friday, January 4, 2008
right words and position them in a way that revealed every sense and
feeling and emotion. I wish people would read it and cry, just
because it was so beautiful.
I wish I could show the world how passionate I am. I wish the world
could see how much I love the things and people around me. I wish I
could share the things I love and the things I love to do with the
I wish I could live a life filled with days like that one day. I wish
we had never gotten out of bed that one day. I wish I could always
feel so safe and warm and secure when I'm so completely vulnerable.
I wish the sun would shine everyday. I wish it would be cloudy and
hazy and rainy everyday. I wish I was never cold.
I wish days were longer. I wish I had time to do everything and to do
everything perfectly. I wish I could sleep when I was tired and be
awake when I'm not.
I wish my parents loved each other still. I wish they'd tried harder
before they stopped. I wish they'd pretend for my benefit. I wish I
was ignorant enough not to notice they were pretending for my benefit.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
That makes me sad...hurting him is the last thing I want to do...I just assume that he understands and could commiserate. It's too painful to talk to my friends/co-workers/family...
But that's his choice and I will try to respect it.
I foresee many more blog entries in my future.
I think I was a good girlfriend. I made him silly cards and presents, I made him a very elaborate "monthiversary present," I did whatever I could to make him happy (spent time with his friends and family, kept the cats out of the bedroom, let him have the TV remote most of the time, tried to tell him how much I liked him and how great I thought he was...), I respected him, I checked in, I was honest, I spent all the time I could with him...
I am pretty sure he would agree with that.
I wish he would give me a second chance. I miss him so much.
I took a moment from my day
wrapped it up in things you say
mailed it of to your address
you'll get it pretty soon unless
the packaging begins to break
and all the points I tried to make
are tossed with thoughts into a bin
time leaks out my life leaks in
you wont find moments in a box
and someone else will set your clocks
I took a moment from my day
wrapped it up in things you say
and mailed it off to you
Who would've thought 45 short days could produce so much pain?
Jordan and I broke up. I guess it was kind of a mutual decision, overall, but the ultimate decision was his.
It IS for the best.
Sometimes I believe that. Jordan believes it. I am trying to be brave and stoic like he is, but our grieving styles are obviously very different. I worry that I am annoying him and that he will end up hating me...
I want us to be friends so I'm trying to let him do his thing and focus on doing mine...and mostly I think I'm doing OK. I'm keeping busy as much as I can and I keep my mind occupied, but then something will remind me of him and no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I just want to cry.
HE'S not crying...why am I???
It's not fair.
I call and text him too much. I don't mean to. I just want to be reassured that he exists, that he still cares about me, that I had an impact on his life. I shouldn't need that - and in time, I won't...but it's really hard right now.
We hardly knew each other. There are a gazillion things we never did and a handful of things we did that a normal couple wouldn't do until they'd been together a year...
Maybe we were destined for failure?
I hope not.
I loved the time we spent together, the way he made me feel, the excitement of it all...
Why can't we just start over???
Why can't I have a second chance???
There was so much stress, tension, confusion...I had so few opportunities to be ME. I was always trying to impress SOMEBODY or make sure I was doing the "right" thing.
I was trying my best to get through the holidays with my dysfunctional family, I was struggling to meet deadlines at work, I was being pulled in 65 different directions...I wanted to do everything and I wanted to do it perfectly and make everybody happy.
I wanted to be happy too.
I was happy...Jordan was an amazing boyfriend. I was so lucky. I AM lucky.
If all the other crud was not in the way, could I have shown that better?
Maybe I shouldn't blame December...but I FREAKING HATE THIS MONTH. There should be a law against new relationships starting in November and December.
Am I just making excuses? Is it just as simple as we aren't meant to be together? No matter what the circumstances had been, that would be the truth and thinking about what-if's is pointless???
If so, I'm very happy to have a month and a half worth of pain to deal with and not a year and a half.
I don't know what to say, think, or feel anymore.
What is keeping us from being "soul mates"? (Jordan hates putting punctuation inside his quotation marks.) What is missing? Why can't we be together?
I felt smothered, I felt like I was being judged, I was on edge and defensive, I missed my freedom, I never felt like I had time...
But even when that annoyed me...I loved being with him.
How many people can a person meet in their lifetime that seems so perfect?
Does the "perfect" person come with all the nice feelings and none of the annoying ones? if I'd had time to actually ADJUST to our relationship, would it have gone differently? Does it matter?
I know it will stop hurting, I know I will move on, I know my friends and family love me, I know I shouldn't regret anything...
But, right now, today...it hurts like crud.
And I don't know that there's anything to do about that.